I can't believe it's been almost 3 years since we were on this path. The tears, the grief, the fear, the apprehension, the doctors visits, the shots, the ultrasounds, the retrievals, the transfers and then, finally....
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... her.
It felt like it took forever to finally get pregnant and carry her. She came into this world in the manner we had grown accustomed to. Stressfully. But an emergency c-section later, she was here. All 5lbs and 8oz, perfect little fingers, crooked little toes, blue eyed, fuzzy headed, peacefully perfect. Her.
And now, 17 months later, we're ready for Smudge to be a big sister.
I can't even explain how this feels. It's like we're right back where we were - with the exception of already having her. But now we KNOW it can work, as much as we know it doesn't. And I can't express my emotions as openly as I did last time either. I can't let her see me in that much pain if it doesn't work again. I have to be stronger. If there's one thing I'm learning, clear as day, it's that having a baby does not make you any less infertile, physically or emotionally. I'm as infertile as I was 3 years ago. I'm infertile and I'm scared to death.
But we're ready - and we're moving forward. I had my HSG yesterday (all clear!!) and my bloodwork is back. As it was in the past, my FSH and other hormonal bloodwork are all normal, but miraculously, my AMH is tripled!! Granted, tripling crap is still crap. But i'll take it. In Dr Z's world, under 2.0 is a low AMH. For our first two cycles, my AMH was 0.5. Now it's 1.49!! He thinks I'll stim better this time. One can only hope.
Anyway - this is us. I blogged our entire journey while we were trying for Smudge and it was therapeutic for me to have someplace to say how I felt. I'm hoping for the same this time. I need to be able to talk about how this feels. I'm hoping you'll be my audience again.
BCPs started sunday. HSG yesterday. First u/s in 2 weeks.
Here we go....
It felt like it took forever to finally get pregnant and carry her. She came into this world in the manner we had grown accustomed to. Stressfully. But an emergency c-section later, she was here. All 5lbs and 8oz, perfect little fingers, crooked little toes, blue eyed, fuzzy headed, peacefully perfect. Her.
And now, 17 months later, we're ready for Smudge to be a big sister.
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| Daddy dressed me |
I can't even explain how this feels. It's like we're right back where we were - with the exception of already having her. But now we KNOW it can work, as much as we know it doesn't. And I can't express my emotions as openly as I did last time either. I can't let her see me in that much pain if it doesn't work again. I have to be stronger. If there's one thing I'm learning, clear as day, it's that having a baby does not make you any less infertile, physically or emotionally. I'm as infertile as I was 3 years ago. I'm infertile and I'm scared to death.
But we're ready - and we're moving forward. I had my HSG yesterday (all clear!!) and my bloodwork is back. As it was in the past, my FSH and other hormonal bloodwork are all normal, but miraculously, my AMH is tripled!! Granted, tripling crap is still crap. But i'll take it. In Dr Z's world, under 2.0 is a low AMH. For our first two cycles, my AMH was 0.5. Now it's 1.49!! He thinks I'll stim better this time. One can only hope.
Anyway - this is us. I blogged our entire journey while we were trying for Smudge and it was therapeutic for me to have someplace to say how I felt. I'm hoping for the same this time. I need to be able to talk about how this feels. I'm hoping you'll be my audience again.
BCPs started sunday. HSG yesterday. First u/s in 2 weeks.
Here we go....
I read the posts backward and when I got to this one, I cried. I love your family so much and am sending all good, fertile vibes and crossing everything. Hugs and kisses!
ReplyDelete-Chrissy