I probably shouldn't be sitting here crying, right?

I'm just beside myself right now. Yep. That's me, sitting right there, wondering WTF is going on in there.

Seriously - WTF.

I'm 36. Not 46. My FSH is normal. So normal it's scary. Everything, except for my AMH, is normal. And my AMH is tripled from last time. Yeah, it's still low, but no where near as low as last time. So, maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I have my expectations set too high. Maybe I just expected a smooth IVF cycle, like my Smudge cycle. Maybe I'm setting myself up to be heartbroken. 

All I know is I got home from monitoring a little while ago and I'm sitting here crying.

Cycle #1, Stims day 5: 5 small on the left and 5 small on the right with one 11mm and one 10mm. My lining was 5mm and homogeneous. E2 was 52. And that sucked. AFC this cycle was 14.

Cycle #2, Stims day 5: 6 small on the left with a 10mm and 12 small on the right. My lining was 5mm and trilaminar. E2 was 143. They like it between 100 and 150. 143 was perfect.  AFC this cycle was 11.

Here we are. Cycle #3, Stims day 5: 6 "measuring" with a few small on the left and 6 "measuring" on the right.  My lining was 9mm and homogeneous. The ones that are "measuring" are between 7-9mm. None are over 10. AFC this cycle was 11.

triple stripe lining

homogeneous lining

Important fact: Uterine lining changes are estrogen driven. In order for implantation to occur, your lining has to be trilaminar, meaning a triple stripe. Last cycle, my estrogen was perfect. My follicles were growing and my lining was trilaminar. This cycle, my lining is still homogeneous, which says to me that my E2 isn't in the range they want it yet.

Which tells me that my follicles aren't maturing and my E2 isn't in range. Like cycle #1. Like the cycle that didn't work.

I sat on the floor when I got home and played with Smudge. The thought of not being able to give her a sibling is so sharp and painful.  And then it makes me so upset about the baby I lost. She HAD a sibling. And what if that was her only chance. I've already given up my dreams of a big family, but I'm not ready to accept that she might be an only child.

What if I'm just too old?

Oh, god, what if this doesn't work?

Don't ever let anyone tell you that having a baby makes infertility go away. I promise you it doesn't. Not the diagnosis. Not the emotions. And not the fact that once again, i'm shooting myself up with meds multiple times a day, getting bloodwork and vagcams daily and even still i'm sitting here in tears... because all i want is another baby. A sibling for the daughter I already have. And once again, it looks like I'm broken.

I'm so tired of being broken. Meanwhile, as usual, I'm just waiting for the phone to ring. 

I can't believe I'm writing this: Monitoring #3.1

When we started talking about this cycle, it was last year and June seemed so far away. How is it possible that it's June 1st and yesterday I spent the morning at my first cattle call monitoring appointment? They make it as glamorous as it sounds. Lining up, at the buttcrack of dawn, first come first served for blood draws and vagcams. Either this is the smallest group i've ever cycled with, or I'm not going to have to fight for the #1 spot this time. Either way, I was first, which is how I like it, because i'm back on the road and on my way home by 7:30am.

The news yesterday was fine. If I didn't hear from them, my hormone levels were where they want them, and I'm still to start meds today. My ultrasound still showed 11 antral follicles with a homogenous lining at 8mm. The only concern was that I still hadn't gotten my post BCP period, but that concern is no longer.

... and away we go.

Which means tonight is the night. Stims start in T-34 minutes. And I'm having a full blown panic attack trying to figure out how i'm going to do this for the next 10 days. Last time it wasn't this hard. I had to give myself a few shots at 7pm. No problem. If I was at work, i just arranged for one or two people that could give me the Menopur. You see, I can give myself the Gonal no problem. Quick. 1-2-3, right in the thigh. The menopur burns like hell and   there's no way I can give it to myself in the thigh. It's a full mL and it just hurts too damn bad. So, we always did those in the backs of my arms. But I can't reach the back of my arm by myself, so I need help with that one.  I work until 6pm this weekend, but I should be home by 7pm, so Chris can still do those. Tuesday is the problem. I have acupuncture at 6:15pm. She's booked and can't reschedule me. So, I asked the obvious question. As a favor to me, is there any way she could give me the shot.

Nope.

Great. 

I have no idea how we're going to do Tuesday. But for now I'm going to focus on tonight. In 31 minutes I'm going to start this crazy all over again. I'm scared, excited, nervous, insecure, overwhelmed... Yep. Still infertile and all of the feelings that go along with it.

.... and away we go.....

UPDATE: my acu texted me back again. She says she reread my text and feels terrible that she misunderstood me. She'll absolutely give me my menopur on tuesday night. Phew.