I can't believe I'm writing this: Monitoring #3.1

When we started talking about this cycle, it was last year and June seemed so far away. How is it possible that it's June 1st and yesterday I spent the morning at my first cattle call monitoring appointment? They make it as glamorous as it sounds. Lining up, at the buttcrack of dawn, first come first served for blood draws and vagcams. Either this is the smallest group i've ever cycled with, or I'm not going to have to fight for the #1 spot this time. Either way, I was first, which is how I like it, because i'm back on the road and on my way home by 7:30am.

The news yesterday was fine. If I didn't hear from them, my hormone levels were where they want them, and I'm still to start meds today. My ultrasound still showed 11 antral follicles with a homogenous lining at 8mm. The only concern was that I still hadn't gotten my post BCP period, but that concern is no longer.

... and away we go.

Which means tonight is the night. Stims start in T-34 minutes. And I'm having a full blown panic attack trying to figure out how i'm going to do this for the next 10 days. Last time it wasn't this hard. I had to give myself a few shots at 7pm. No problem. If I was at work, i just arranged for one or two people that could give me the Menopur. You see, I can give myself the Gonal no problem. Quick. 1-2-3, right in the thigh. The menopur burns like hell and   there's no way I can give it to myself in the thigh. It's a full mL and it just hurts too damn bad. So, we always did those in the backs of my arms. But I can't reach the back of my arm by myself, so I need help with that one.  I work until 6pm this weekend, but I should be home by 7pm, so Chris can still do those. Tuesday is the problem. I have acupuncture at 6:15pm. She's booked and can't reschedule me. So, I asked the obvious question. As a favor to me, is there any way she could give me the shot.

Nope.

Great. 

I have no idea how we're going to do Tuesday. But for now I'm going to focus on tonight. In 31 minutes I'm going to start this crazy all over again. I'm scared, excited, nervous, insecure, overwhelmed... Yep. Still infertile and all of the feelings that go along with it.

.... and away we go.....

UPDATE: my acu texted me back again. She says she reread my text and feels terrible that she misunderstood me. She'll absolutely give me my menopur on tuesday night. Phew. 

Back on this crazy train.

I can't believe it's been almost 3 years since we were on this path. The tears, the grief, the fear, the apprehension, the doctors visits, the shots, the ultrasounds, the retrievals, the transfers and then, finally.... 

... her.


It felt like it took forever to finally get pregnant and carry her. She came into this world in the manner we had grown accustomed to. Stressfully. But an emergency c-section later, she was here. All 5lbs and 8oz, perfect little fingers, crooked little toes, blue eyed, fuzzy headed, peacefully perfect. Her.


And now, 17 months later, we're ready for Smudge to be a big sister.

Daddy dressed me

I can't even explain how this feels. It's like we're right back where we were - with the exception of already having her. But now we KNOW it can work, as much as we know it doesn't. And I can't express my emotions as openly as I did last time either. I can't let her see me in that much pain if it doesn't work again. I have to be stronger. If there's one thing I'm learning, clear as day, it's that having a baby does not make you any less infertile, physically or emotionally. I'm as infertile as I was 3 years ago. I'm infertile and I'm scared to death.

But we're ready - and we're moving forward. I had my HSG yesterday (all clear!!) and my bloodwork is back. As it was in the past, my FSH and other hormonal bloodwork are all normal, but miraculously, my AMH is tripled!! Granted, tripling crap is still crap. But i'll take it. In Dr Z's world, under 2.0 is a low AMH. For our first two cycles, my AMH was 0.5. Now it's 1.49!! He thinks I'll stim better this time. One can only hope.

Anyway - this is us. I blogged our entire journey while we were trying for Smudge and it was therapeutic for me to have someplace to say how I felt. I'm hoping for the same this time. I need to be able to talk about how this feels. I'm hoping you'll be my audience again.

BCPs started sunday. HSG yesterday. First u/s in 2 weeks.

Here we go....