I've Fallen Off of the Decaf Wagon

Okay - so it's still only a couple of ounces of caffeine per day - but this waking up at 5:30am to get to monitoring in time to be first, to be home in time for Smudge's Dad to go to work and not be late, is getting EARLIER and EARLIER every day. Enter the weekend, where they tell everyone to be there at 7am, as opposed to just between 7-9am. So, today it was doubly important to get there first, since their satellite offices are closed on the weekends and everyone goes to the main office for weekend monitoring. It was PACKED this morning. 

I was still first.

One thing was noticable this morning. With the exception of the same nice lab tech that did the bloodwork (an older woman named Janet), I do NOT like the weekend staff. There was a nurse that I have never met before and one of Dr. Z's new colleagues since Dr. B left, Dr. O.  The best thing about Dr. Z's office is the warm fuzzies. Fran hugs me before she leaves my room. Dr. Z either hugs me or holds my hand. Dr. O was all business, all the time. I guess some people need that. But i don't know. To me, if you're going to be putting cameras in places, we could at least be friendly about it. 

Anyway - Today is stims day 9 and day 2 of ganirelix.  Dr. O measured my lining at 9mm, still trilaminar. Fran measured it at 10mm yesterday. I know it's subjective, so I'm not worried about it. If Fran measured it at point A and got 10mm, Dr O could measure it at point B and get something different. As long as my E2 keeps going up, that's all I care about.  Plus, i'm still drinking the pomegranate juice, and we know how that helps thicken things. 

My right ovary is a MACHINE. Are you ready? Here we go: 14mm, 11.2mm, 13.1mm, 7.6mm, 13.5mm, 6.7mm, 11.4mm, 10.2mm, 9.3mm, 12.9mm. She only measured 4 on the left, where Fran and Dr Z have both been measuring 5. So she either missed one, or just didn't measure the little one, but the ones she measured look great: 14.7mm, 12.8mm, 14.7mm and the last one was either 11 or 13mm (i don't remember).  At this point, I'm looking at anything 13ish or higher as a potential mature egg, which still puts us at 7-8 for retrieval. I think they'll try to retrieve out of follicles even a little smaller, but if I have 7-8 mature eggs, i'll be happy. That gives us good odds, in my head, anyway.

And the news gets even better. Since it's a weekend and they want to leave as early as possible, Nurse Jennifer just called with my E2.

Drumroll please......

723!!!!!!!!!

This cycle is starting to really pick up. With 13 large follicles in my Smudge cycle on the same stims day, my E2 was 899. My estrogen per follicle is DEFINITELY higher this cycle and that can only mean good things about the maturation of the eggs. There are only 7-8 that we're counting this time. 


No med changes and I go back in the morning. May the force be with me.

The March of the Penguins

The socks were out in force this morning, and Nurse Fran has stopped laughing at me and is now laughing with me.

Yesterday, my list of measurable follicles was pretty short... today, she needed TWO screens to list them all!

page 1...

Page 2!!

Without further ado, and because I know you're all dying to know:

My lining looks great. 10mm and trilaminar. Thank you pomegranate juice.

And the important stuff... what we're all here for:

5 measurable follicles on the left: 9.2mm, 6.8mm, 12.7mm, 13.3mm, 12.3mm

10 (um, yes, I said TEN) measurable follicles on the right: 8.9mm, 7.1mm, 10mm, 8.7mm, 13mm, 8.6mm, 9mm, 15mm, 14.3mm, 12.8mm

Now, anything under 10, they're really not looking at. But there are a few REALLY good looking follicles there: 3 on the left and 4, MAYBE 5 on the right. But it looks like 7 is going to be my magic number this retrieval. Seven was the number with IVF #1, and we all know how that turned out. But this time seven is going to be lucky. Things are trucking right along, and I'm not worried. 

Right?

Because of the follicles 14mm and over, I started a new medication this morning called Ganirelix. This injectible is going to prevent the follicles from releasing the eggs too soon, and will allow some of the others to catch up. It's the med that keeps on giving. When it goes in, you're lulled into this false sense of, "hey, this one isn't so bad". Then about 5-10 minutes later, holy mother of goats, does that sucker sting. The Ganirelix comes in a pre-filled syringe, so you don't have to draw it up or anything, you just stick and shoot. Yeah, whatever. That needle is dull as a spork. So, smart cookie that I am, i empty it into a new syringe and stick a sharp needle on the end. 

Good thing too... I already look like this:

The IF landscape

Anyway - just sitting now, and waiting to hear what my estrogen is. From here on it, I'll be going to be monitored with vagcam and bloodwork every day until trigger. Fran will call me every afternoon to tell me my estrogen and if I need to adjust any doses. 

I'll leave you with this today... the reason why we're doing this. Because she deserves to have a sibling.

I'll update later.

Time to Break Out the Big Guns....

 That's right, folks. It's no holds barred now... I'm doing it and no one can stop me.

I'm wearing fleecy penguin socks in June.

Hi old friends.

These socks saw me through IVF #2, retrieval, transfer and the labor and eventual delivery of my daughter.

And now they're getting dusted off.  And just in time too. Because they worked.

Obviously, I know that there are factors in play other than lucky socks.  There are buttloads of injectible hormone stimulating medications and modern science. But HEY! If I want to give the socks some credit, then I'm going to.

And without further ado, I give you... monitoring #3.3 (have I ever mentioned that 3 is my favorite number, btw?):

My lining is trilaminar. For those paying attention, that means my estrogen is rising. So, yay! That also explains why I'm a hormonal raving crazy-monster, but who's really paying attention to EVERY little mood swing right now? (Honey, put your hand down please. Thank you.)

Now, let's discuss the follicles, shall we?

At the very tippy top, you can see a follicle. It's the black circle.

There are 5 measuring on the right with 2 small: 8.4mm, 12mm, 10.3mm, 10mm, 11.7mm

There are 6 measuring on the left with 1 small: 5.4mm, 8.3mm, 5.7mm, 10.7mm, 11.1mm, 11.4mm

Fran (my ever wonderful nurse) said for 6 days of stims, this is great for me. I'm obviously progressing and we're hoping for an E2 above 200 today.

So, now we get to wait for the phone call that will give me instructions for my meds tonight and tell me when I need to go back. I'm guessing saturday and staying the course on my meds... or maybe a SLIGHT increase if he wants me to go a little faster. But i'm not worried anymore.  I see at least 7 great follicles in my future. Now lets just hope for good mature eggs inside them.

Hold onto your penguin socks, friends... I think the ride is about to take off.

Update from Monitoring #3.2

My E2 is 113!!!!!!!! That's smack dab almost in the middle of 100 and 150.  I guess it really isn't over until I start singing.

Stay the course. Next monitoring is thursday.

Please send positive energy and strength. I clearly need it. 

I probably shouldn't be sitting here crying, right?

I'm just beside myself right now. Yep. That's me, sitting right there, wondering WTF is going on in there.

Seriously - WTF.

I'm 36. Not 46. My FSH is normal. So normal it's scary. Everything, except for my AMH, is normal. And my AMH is tripled from last time. Yeah, it's still low, but no where near as low as last time. So, maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I have my expectations set too high. Maybe I just expected a smooth IVF cycle, like my Smudge cycle. Maybe I'm setting myself up to be heartbroken. 

All I know is I got home from monitoring a little while ago and I'm sitting here crying.

Cycle #1, Stims day 5: 5 small on the left and 5 small on the right with one 11mm and one 10mm. My lining was 5mm and homogeneous. E2 was 52. And that sucked. AFC this cycle was 14.

Cycle #2, Stims day 5: 6 small on the left with a 10mm and 12 small on the right. My lining was 5mm and trilaminar. E2 was 143. They like it between 100 and 150. 143 was perfect.  AFC this cycle was 11.

Here we are. Cycle #3, Stims day 5: 6 "measuring" with a few small on the left and 6 "measuring" on the right.  My lining was 9mm and homogeneous. The ones that are "measuring" are between 7-9mm. None are over 10. AFC this cycle was 11.

triple stripe lining

homogeneous lining

Important fact: Uterine lining changes are estrogen driven. In order for implantation to occur, your lining has to be trilaminar, meaning a triple stripe. Last cycle, my estrogen was perfect. My follicles were growing and my lining was trilaminar. This cycle, my lining is still homogeneous, which says to me that my E2 isn't in the range they want it yet.

Which tells me that my follicles aren't maturing and my E2 isn't in range. Like cycle #1. Like the cycle that didn't work.

I sat on the floor when I got home and played with Smudge. The thought of not being able to give her a sibling is so sharp and painful.  And then it makes me so upset about the baby I lost. She HAD a sibling. And what if that was her only chance. I've already given up my dreams of a big family, but I'm not ready to accept that she might be an only child.

What if I'm just too old?

Oh, god, what if this doesn't work?

Don't ever let anyone tell you that having a baby makes infertility go away. I promise you it doesn't. Not the diagnosis. Not the emotions. And not the fact that once again, i'm shooting myself up with meds multiple times a day, getting bloodwork and vagcams daily and even still i'm sitting here in tears... because all i want is another baby. A sibling for the daughter I already have. And once again, it looks like I'm broken.

I'm so tired of being broken. Meanwhile, as usual, I'm just waiting for the phone to ring.