I probably shouldn't be sitting here crying, right?

I'm just beside myself right now. Yep. That's me, sitting right there, wondering WTF is going on in there.

Seriously - WTF.

I'm 36. Not 46. My FSH is normal. So normal it's scary. Everything, except for my AMH, is normal. And my AMH is tripled from last time. Yeah, it's still low, but no where near as low as last time. So, maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I have my expectations set too high. Maybe I just expected a smooth IVF cycle, like my Smudge cycle. Maybe I'm setting myself up to be heartbroken. 

All I know is I got home from monitoring a little while ago and I'm sitting here crying.

Cycle #1, Stims day 5: 5 small on the left and 5 small on the right with one 11mm and one 10mm. My lining was 5mm and homogeneous. E2 was 52. And that sucked. AFC this cycle was 14.

Cycle #2, Stims day 5: 6 small on the left with a 10mm and 12 small on the right. My lining was 5mm and trilaminar. E2 was 143. They like it between 100 and 150. 143 was perfect.  AFC this cycle was 11.

Here we are. Cycle #3, Stims day 5: 6 "measuring" with a few small on the left and 6 "measuring" on the right.  My lining was 9mm and homogeneous. The ones that are "measuring" are between 7-9mm. None are over 10. AFC this cycle was 11.

triple stripe lining

homogeneous lining

Important fact: Uterine lining changes are estrogen driven. In order for implantation to occur, your lining has to be trilaminar, meaning a triple stripe. Last cycle, my estrogen was perfect. My follicles were growing and my lining was trilaminar. This cycle, my lining is still homogeneous, which says to me that my E2 isn't in the range they want it yet.

Which tells me that my follicles aren't maturing and my E2 isn't in range. Like cycle #1. Like the cycle that didn't work.

I sat on the floor when I got home and played with Smudge. The thought of not being able to give her a sibling is so sharp and painful.  And then it makes me so upset about the baby I lost. She HAD a sibling. And what if that was her only chance. I've already given up my dreams of a big family, but I'm not ready to accept that she might be an only child.

What if I'm just too old?

Oh, god, what if this doesn't work?

Don't ever let anyone tell you that having a baby makes infertility go away. I promise you it doesn't. Not the diagnosis. Not the emotions. And not the fact that once again, i'm shooting myself up with meds multiple times a day, getting bloodwork and vagcams daily and even still i'm sitting here in tears... because all i want is another baby. A sibling for the daughter I already have. And once again, it looks like I'm broken.

I'm so tired of being broken. Meanwhile, as usual, I'm just waiting for the phone to ring.