And Now We Wait.....

I'm really tired, you guys. It's been a long day in Smudge's house. So, what's the old saying? "Just the facts, Ma'am"; is that it?

Smudge cycle:
Beta 1, 14dpo: 126 with P4 = 44
Beta 2, 19dpo: 941 with P4 = 48
Doubling time: 41.37hrs

Current cycle:
Beta 2, 14dpo: 142 with P4 = 29 (increased daily PIO dosage)
Beta 3, 16dpo: 309 with P4 = >40
Doubling time: 42.79hrs

We'll take it.

First ultrasound will be July 12th. If I continue spotting or bleeding in the coming week, they will get me in sooner for another beta or an early u/s.

Stay tuned....

Double Trouble

I swear, the International Symbol for Infertility should be:

Well, minus the smokes, of course.


I think I spend as much time waiting for the phone to ring as I do shooting myself up with various poisons. 

Anyway, when last we met, we were hoping for a strong beta today. The definition of a "strong beta" is to double in 48 hours. On Monday (9dp3dt), at 11am, my beta was 42. 

Today (11dp3dt), at 7am, less than 48 hours later, it was 142. 

According to my new best friends at BetaBase.info, my beta has a doubling time of 25 hours.  It more than tripled less than 48 hours. There IS some concern. My progesterone DID drop again. It's now 29. Dr. Z is being very proactive and upping my PIO dosage. Yay - bigger butt shots. Whatever I have to do, i'll do. I'm just glad he's not forcing vag suppositories on me again. Those things suck - and quite honestly, I'm spotting enough already. 

Oh yeah, the spotting. Still going on. Fran says that if I'm still spotting next week, that Dr Z will let me come in for another beta and maybe even an early ultrasound to ease my mind. But she's not worried. 

Because, as a very good friend has told me, I'm good and knocked up. 

Here's my theory - and we'll see how it pans out. Even though I still feel like there's only one in there, and Heather (my acu) feels like there's only one in there, maybe there are 2 after all. I'm wondering if one embryo splitting could cause a rapid beta rise but a slight drop in progesterone. There would only one corpus luteum to produce progesterone, so that would explain that being a little lower, while the beta was slightly higher. 

Another beta and progesterone check on friday. I guess we'll see. 

Here We Go Again.....

Dr. Z is pretending today's blood work results don't exist. I know he didn't want to run them, but Fran is my hero as always and got me in. They checked my beta and my progesterone. My progesterone DID drop a little to 31.5,  but it's still above 30, so he's happy with that and not making any changes to my bloodwork.

My beta is 42 on 9dp3dt. According to BetaBase, that is just above the median, so I will take it. 

Dr Z is bringing me back for my "official" beta and progesterone check on wednesday and then again on friday, like today never happened.  All I know is, today, I am pregnant. Heather (my acupuncturist) says I'm VERY pregnant. I feel good. Early pregnancy spotting/bleeding is normal and much easier for me to deal with than having another failed IVF cycle. 

That's definitely two lines.

I'm pregnant. 

Blood, Sweat and Tears... a 2ww Update

This morning I am 9dp3dt (9 days post 3 day transfer). That makes me 12dpo (days post ovulation). So what would be a better way to celebrate this milestone, than to go to the bathroom at work yesterday and find light brown (really tan-ish) CM/spotting.

Okay - as if that isn't panic inducing enough.

When I got home from work, that brown CM was bright red blood.

Let's TRY to focus on the positive here for a few minutes. I have NO cramping. A few twinges here and there, which is totally normal for the 2ww. And I have NEVER bled after IVF before coming off of PIO. My first cycle I didn't get my period until 6 days after the PIO stopped (and no spotting prior at all) and my second, I never even so much as spotted before my bleed at 11w6d pregnant.

But I also had bright red bleeding, which I've never had before other than either my period or when i had the sub-chorionic hematoma when I was 12w pregnant with Smudge.  And bright red bleeding right now is NOT what I needed to see. I'm at the point where I just need to know either way. If this didn't work, I need to mourn and move on. Right now, I'm trying to not focus on the implications of what that would mean. If it DID work, and I am pregnant right now - i just want to be pregnant and love my baby and take it one day at a time. 

What is killing me is the not knowing. At 12dpo, I should be able to have an idea of what is going on in there.  Smudge's Aunt rushed home last night with a FRER for me, because honestly I just need to know right now either way. But I'm too chicken to use it. Dr. Z's office doesn't start answering the phone until 8:30am - and that's too long away. I'm going to call the answering service in about 1/2 hour and ask to be patched to the office. They've done it before, and hopefully they'll do it again. I'm going to ask Fran, no, I'm going to beg her for an early beta. This was SO different when it was just me. But I'm completely incapable of being a stable parent right now. Last night, I got out of the shower, started bleeding and walked into Smudge's room to get her ready for bed. I cried the entire time I was rocking Smudge to sleep. I can't parent her this way. I'm prepared for a 12dpo beta to be low - but at least I'll know if it's positive or negative and be ready to move forward. 

The good news this morning is that before I went to sleep, the bleeding was just brown spotting again and that there was no blood overnight. 

Now I just have to get to beta. 

Deja Vu?

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I'd like to bring your attention to the anonymous group blog I posted for while we were trying to conceive Smudge. 4dp3dt (4 days post 3 day transfer), I made this post (link in caption):

http://bloominbabies.blogspot.com/2010/03/ivf-2-2-week-wait-update.html

Well, yesterday was 4dp3dt for this IVF cycle. Once again, I went in for a blood draw at the crack of dawn. And once again, I waited all day for the phone to ring. 

I sat with my phone in my hand waiting for it to ring, only to look down and see a voicemail from Fran saying my P4 was greater than 40! Of course I called her right back to find out the exact number. She said their new machine only says >40. So, that blows that I can't see how awesome my number is, but I'm not going to look that gift horse in the mouth, no way. 

And I know, I know, stop comparing cycles... but at this point, really, CAN I?

All I know, is based on past performance, I have the potential to be EXTREMELY disappointed now. 

How the heck am I supposed to make it an ENTIRE week until Beta?

The Two Week Wait Sucks PLUS the State of our Remaining Embryos.

So, I've meandered around the interwebz and I've noticed that in more than a few blogs, tuesdays are referred to as "Top 10 Tuesdays". I'm not usually one to jump into the mainstream, but this time i figured, "why not?". So, today, i'm going to give you "The Top 10 Reasons the IVF 2ww SUCKS".

Disclaimer: these are my reasons the 2ww sucks.
You may have entirely different reasons or not agree with mine at all.
I give complete validity to ANY reasons why the IVF 2ww sucks.

10. Unlike way back when you were actually just trying to get pregnant "the old fashioned way", you KNOW there are embryos in there. Now you have to spend the next 2 weeks wondering if your body is good enough to keep them there.

9. Wondering if every little thing you're doing is going to impact implantation in some way. My favorite (and you know we have ALL thought this at some point) is wondering if straining at all when going to the bathroom will cause them to get pushed out. Don't lie. You've wondered that too. How many of you have actually ASKED the RE that though? I have. Yep. Last cycle. Totally asked. 

8. The phrase "PUPO". I'm completely guilty of using it. It's a mindfreak.When the call comes that beta was negative, it almost makes the depression even worse - because for two weeks you were PUPO. And now you're nothing.

7. The bloat. Yesterday, I was wearing my only pair of maternity pants that didn't get packed away. That's how bad it is. Smudge's Dad promises me I'm not this fat all of the time. He says I'm just really bloated. He might be lying to me... but I'm hoping not.

6. The FLUID. My RE wants me drinking a MINIMUM of a gallon of liquids a day (preferably mostly juices, electrolyte drinks, etc) to help move the aforementioned bloat. OMG. Between the PIO (progesterone in oil) and the fluid, I can't get out of the bathroom.

5. Okay - since I already brought it up, the PIO. Really. An intramuscular injection every day. Don't get me wrong, I'll take it over vaginal suppositories any day of the week, and should this cycle work, i'll bare my ass to Smudge's Dad happily every morning for 12 weeks so he can shoot me up. But we're three days in, and i'm already a member of the painful lumpy butt brigade. It makes me itchy. And honestly, scratching ones rear in public is strongly frowned upon.

4. Okay - more about the PIO. Every 2ww (even the regular plain "old fashioned way" kind) comes with phantom pregnancy symptoms. But seriously. The IVF 2ww comes with those symptoms on steroids. We don't just get the regular NORMAL hormones. We're taking mega doses of them.  Voluntarily. Via pill and injection. IVFers are crazy. I'm sure of it. 

3. The people you told. Ugh.  Each time we do this, we say we're going to tell fewer people and this time, we've really only told immediate family.  It was necessary since the transfer  was on fathers day weekend and we needed some assistance with childcare during retrieval. But really, the "keeping everything crossed" with huge smiles and "Call me if there's news" is really getting old. I get that they're excited too - but can't they just follow our lead. If we're not talking about it, can't you not talk about it too. Don't you know how scared I am? How this isn't just sunshine and daffodils? Don't you remember that it doesn't always work? And you're not going to want to talk about it then... so drop it now.

2. You're still spending the entire 2ww waiting for the phone to ring. If you have extra embryos and you're waiting to see if they freeze. When you have your progesterone checked. And then when they finally draw your beta HCG.

And the #1 reason why the IVF 2ww sucks is..........

1. The pictures. 

Unlike when you're trying the old fashioned way, I have a picture of my embryos. Granted, once you have that baby, the embryo shots are surreal. But during the 2ww, you spend the entire time looking at those embryos, wondering what they'll be like or look like. Wondering which one is your baby. And when it doesn't work, you have something tangible to look at and know you lost. 

FUIF.

Speaking of what we lost, I'm a little heartbroken and worried this morning. I just got off the phone with Fran. Our remaining four embryos are not able to be frozen. They didn't die. Their quality is just not what it would have to be to survive thaw. How many questions does this open for me? What about the ones we put back? Are they the same way? Will they not make it this far? Are they bad too? 

Fran assured me (while I'm a crying idiot on the phone) that it means absolutely nothing for this cycle. Scott (embryologist extraordinaire) said he picked the best three and he has a really good feeling about them. I know his freezing criteria are really strict. I shouldn't feel too upset. Fran said she would hate to get me all ready for a FET, just to call me and tell me that we didn't have anything to transfer. So, while she didn't tell me so, i know this means that our remaining four embryos are going to be discarded. That makes me REALLY sad. Smudge's Dad says it's too late and we can't go back and pop the last four in there too. He said he doesn't want a reality show that badly. But the thought of just throwing them away is making me really sad. 

And I'm not going to lie - I'm now really worried about the three embryos that we transferred. 

Progesterone check tomorrow.

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!

We spent the morning staring at my cell phone waiting for the call that we were being pushed back to monday. We hit the road and still kept staring at my phone. Even when I was drinking my pomegranate spritzer to fill my bladder, I was still waiting. 

Well - we didn't get pushed to a 5dt. 

I had a few moments of worry. What if we only had 1 or 2 left? What if we lost so many?

I didn't really have very long to worry about it, because before long, Jennifer was calling me in to go back. Penguin socks on, bare butt flapping in the breeze - hospital gowns are such joy. I can say one thing about ultrasound guided transfers... they SUCK. I miss my carefree non-u/s guided transfers where I didn't have to worry about peeing on the doctor  and the speculum putting too much pressure in places. 

But a few minutes later, I was seeing my embryos in a petri dish on the monitor getting sucked into the catheter that would deliver them to my uterus and a few minutes after that I saw them delivered 1 1/2 centimeters below the uterine fundus where hopefully they will eventually find a good spot and snuggle in. 

Folks, I'm PUPO!

And now, the nitty gritty! We had 10 eggs retrieved. 8 of them were mature and subjected to ICSI. Of those 8, 7 fertilized. Guess what? WE STILL HAVE SEVEN EMBRYOS!!!

We transferred three 8-cell embryos, 2 grade 2 and 1 grade 3. By comparison, during my Smudge cycle, we transferred 2 grade 2 and 1 grade 4. Dr. Z was sure to remind us that he never grades anything a 1. And seriously, one of the grade 2's looks pretty darned perfect. 

And the other 4? Well apparently, they're still thriving and we'll know monday if we are able to freeze any of them.

Please keep everything crossed for us. Say a prayer, throw some salt, light a candle, or whatever it is you do. Progesterone check on wednesday, Beta next wednesday (6/27).

I'm Nervous

Maybe it's the fear of the unknown. Maybe it's the fear of the known. Maybe it's just knowing i'm not going to be able to pee for over an hour. Whatever the reason is, I'm nervous about tomorrow.

My embryo transfer is scheduled for 8:45am tomorrow. Scott the embryologist lets them do their thing as much as possible, so he doesn't check the embryos today. But he will first thing in the morning. If there are any distinct front runners, the transfer will continue as planned. If not, we'll be pushed to a 5 day transfer on Monday morning.

I'm trying to prepare myself to NOT have seven embryos tomorrow. There's every likelihood that some will have stopped progressing and have died before I get there. Right now, I'm off of the high I was riding yesterday when I first got the call. 

Now I'm just hoping I have any embryos when Scott checks them tomorrow. 

Retrieval and Fertilization All-in-One

In January when we started thinking about this cycle, June seemed so FAR away.  But, here I am this morning, so bloated that my clothes don't fit and I'm wearing maternity underwear. My egg retrieval was yesterday. As usual, Dr. Z had to practically climb inside to get to my right ovary. I'll never understand why it likes to hide like it does.  But he did what he had to do, and he got them out. 

He got 10 eggs.

I was initially disappointed. My estrogen was SO high for me and everything has been looking so good. I was really hoping for more than that. But then I snapped out of it and realized that more eggs wouldn't matter. My hope was that the eggs we had would be MUCH better quality than the ones we've had in the past.

And I got my answer.

This morning Fran called. Early, thankfully, and with amazing news.

Of the 10 eggs, 8 were mature and fertilized with ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection). And as of this morning, we have SEVEN embryos growing well.

A 70% fertilization rate. OMG. 

So, what does this mean? Well this morning, we have seven day 1 embryos. We hope by day 3 they are 8 cells with minimal fragmentation and then MAYBE, just MAYBE, if quite a few of them keep on truckin'... we would be pushed to a day 5 transfer to see which ones make it to blast and then transfer two of those. 

You can see the difference between a day 3 and a day 5 embryo.
On day 5 it is called a blastocyst and it's getting ready to hatch.

Fran will call me back tomorrow and let me know what time to be there on saturday for my day 3 transfer. She'll also give me a brief update on how Scott (the awesome embryologist) says our embryos are doing.

Then, on Saturday morning, unless we get a phone call, we'll go in for our 3 day transfer, like both of our cycles before this.

Smudge and her Twin. We think Smudge is the embryo on the left.
In this picture (on day 3), that embryo was ahead in growth and was a compacted Morula,
on it's way to becoming a blastocyst.

stages of embryo growth

However, if on Saturday we get a call in the morning, we will know that we're pushed back for a 5 day transfer and will go in on Monday morning.

OMG. I'm still in shock. Go go gadget ovaries. You did awesome.

Stay tuned.

A Welcome Day Off

Guess who doesn't get ANY needles today? That's right. THIS girl!

So, this is a boring update. No ultrasound this morning. I triggered last night. Smudge has been having some trouble getting down to sleep thanks to some molars, so her Dad was busy. Smudge's Aunt had to do the trigger honors, and despite both of us being terrified she might f it up somehow, she did a great job!

This morning I went to Dr. Z's office. On the way, I noticed the street sign on the highway for the exit I take. I always see it, but I just never paid attention before. Do you know what I mean. Anyway - this is what I saw:

All roads lead to hope.

Anyway, this trip was just for a blood draw. No follicle check this morning. There's no reason to. They triggered me, so 36 hours from trigger, they go in and take all of the eggs out. The follicles should keep growing (and therefore eggs maturing) post trigger, so it's always a little bit of a surprise to find out how many they'll get. 

I can't wait to find out what my E2 was today. They'll tell me tomorrow before retrieval. There's a chart somewhere online (i'll have to google) that gives you an estimate of how much estrogen each follicle puts out and at what stage. It can help you figure out exactly how many good eggs you have going on in there. All I know is my numbers are better than they have ever been. 

Nothing but good things can happen tomorrow.

T-22.5 hours until show time. 

It's 9pm. Do You Know Where Your Follicles Are?

It's Official!

Holy crap. I can't even wait to get to my laptop. I just downloaded the blogger app, and I'm writing from my phone!

I'm triggering tonight. This is totally my Smudge schedule. Trigger at 9pm, ER Wednesday morning.

Who wants to know my E2?

1314.

One thousand three hundred and fourteen. It's not a type-o, folks. It's the best pre-trigger E2 I have ever had.

These eggs are going to kick ass.

Now it starts to get interesting. Keep everything crossed for me and stay tuned.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Or, what a difference a doctor makes. Either way, today is a complete reversal of how I felt over the weekend. Today, I actually feel this foreign feeling. It could actually be:

Smudge's Dad says that Dr. O's technique must just be "different". Screw that PC crap. I say she's an idiot. But I feel like I have the right to say that after the IF hell she put me through the last two days.

When I got to Dr. Z's office this morning (first, as usual), my only hope was that Fran was back in the office and I was going to get to see her for monitoring. I got even better. I got Dr. Z. He only had one retrieval this morning, and he made time to see me (I haven't seen him since the middle of last week) before he got that started. The first thing he said was, "Your lining looks great." Great? Yesterday it was 12, which I know isn't anything to sneeze at, but my hallmark is nice thick linings, so 12 didn't make me happy. Today's 16.2mm makes me smile though. 

16mm of beautiful trilaminar lining! MY lining.

He got really quiet then, and was just clicking and measuring. Nothing can make an infertile more nervous that her normally talkative and smiling RE quiet. So, he started talking... mundane stuff. How was your weekend? Telling me about some boring business conference he had to go to. Asking me if I had met Dr O this weekend? That was my in. I mentioned that I had, and that she measures a bit differently that he does. And obviously, that he remains my favorite. 

By then he was done. I sat back and asked him how they looked. He said, "They look great. You're probably going to trigger tonight".

What?!

I told him that yesterday I had only had 2 follicles above 15 and the majority were 12 -13mm. He just shook his head, chuckled and showed me the numbers for myself.

I have 5 that are DEFINITELY mature (above 17mm), 3 that are PROBABLY mature (above 16mm) and 6 that MIGHT mature by retrieval (above 13mm), since they continue to mature after trigger. That might mature category includes one 15.4mm and three 14.5mm or larger. There's no way anyone can convince me that all of these sprung up from 12-13mm follicles overnight. So, thank you Dr. O for needless worry. I'm thrilled I'm not your actual patient, and I'm kind of concerned for the ones who are.

And now that is gone, out of my head, and my focus is on waiting for the phone call with my instructions for tonight and tomorrow.

If I trigger tonight, I'll be on the same timeline as my Smudge cycle, with a wednesday retrieval. Interesting note, my lining was 16mm the night I triggered for her as well.

I feel really positive (and bloated) right now. I know things are working in there. There's no question. I have NEVER felt this bloated or full during an IVF cycle, and that is just a testament to my ovaries in overdrive.

I asked Dr. Z about my estrogen per follicle theory and asked him what he thought. He said that he felt that it showed that the egg quality was going to be superior. I'll take it.

So, for now, I'm sitting here, once again staring at the phone. I'm excited. I'm hopeful. I'm a little uncomfortable.

It looks like tonight is the night. EEEEEEEEEEEK! Here we go again!

I'm Doing it Again

But seriously. Is anyone capable of not comparing cycles? If you are, PLEASE tell me how, because I'm starting to get really upset. I'm hoping part of today's giant let down is Dr O. I DON'T like her. She's completely insincere, and I honestly wonder if she's this way with all of the patients, or just the ones who aren't hers. 

I'm not even going to tell you guys my follicle sizes from today, because they just don't make sense. There are fewer than yesterday on the right, more than yesterday on the left, and one of my 14mms seems to have just up and vanished.


The good news from today is that my E2 is 963 and my lining is up to 12.4mm. (Yeah, whatever. I do not believe it went from 9-12.4 overnight. I think she measured wrong yesterday, because Fran had gotten 10 the day before.)

Anyway - now I'm just worried about too many things. They're increasing my dosage of gonal-f for tonight. And when I say "they", I mean Dr. O, because apparently she's the doctor on this weekend. So, what if she's giving bad advice. She obviously can't measure a follicle... what if she doesn't manage a cycle well either? On my smudge cycle, I triggered monday, with a ton of follicles over 16mm. My failed cycle, I triggered thursday with finally larger follicles, but they all sucked and I obviously didn't get pg. So, what if the longer I stim, the worse the quality will be? Today is stims day 10. And I'm starting to really worry. 

Again, the only good news is that with potentially (depending on her measurements)  8 follicles above 12mm, my estrogen is 963 on stims day 10, whereas with my smudge cycle, on stims day 10, I had 15 follicles over 13 and it was only 1130. So, i'm continuing to have a higher estrogen to follicle ratio. At least I keep telling myself that's good.

So - antagonist experts, talk to me. If I stim for 13-14 days, do you think I still have a chance? Did they start the ganerilix too soon (i started it with a 15 and a 14... btw, the 15 seems to have vanished)? Is Dr O just incapable of accurate measurements? Am I worried about nothing, or do I have a real reason?

I just really need someone to blow some sunshine up my butt, because I'm back on the ledge and it isn't pretty. 

I've Fallen Off of the Decaf Wagon

Okay - so it's still only a couple of ounces of caffeine per day - but this waking up at 5:30am to get to monitoring in time to be first, to be home in time for Smudge's Dad to go to work and not be late, is getting EARLIER and EARLIER every day. Enter the weekend, where they tell everyone to be there at 7am, as opposed to just between 7-9am. So, today it was doubly important to get there first, since their satellite offices are closed on the weekends and everyone goes to the main office for weekend monitoring. It was PACKED this morning. 

I was still first.

One thing was noticable this morning. With the exception of the same nice lab tech that did the bloodwork (an older woman named Janet), I do NOT like the weekend staff. There was a nurse that I have never met before and one of Dr. Z's new colleagues since Dr. B left, Dr. O.  The best thing about Dr. Z's office is the warm fuzzies. Fran hugs me before she leaves my room. Dr. Z either hugs me or holds my hand. Dr. O was all business, all the time. I guess some people need that. But i don't know. To me, if you're going to be putting cameras in places, we could at least be friendly about it. 

Anyway - Today is stims day 9 and day 2 of ganirelix.  Dr. O measured my lining at 9mm, still trilaminar. Fran measured it at 10mm yesterday. I know it's subjective, so I'm not worried about it. If Fran measured it at point A and got 10mm, Dr O could measure it at point B and get something different. As long as my E2 keeps going up, that's all I care about.  Plus, i'm still drinking the pomegranate juice, and we know how that helps thicken things. 

My right ovary is a MACHINE. Are you ready? Here we go: 14mm, 11.2mm, 13.1mm, 7.6mm, 13.5mm, 6.7mm, 11.4mm, 10.2mm, 9.3mm, 12.9mm. She only measured 4 on the left, where Fran and Dr Z have both been measuring 5. So she either missed one, or just didn't measure the little one, but the ones she measured look great: 14.7mm, 12.8mm, 14.7mm and the last one was either 11 or 13mm (i don't remember).  At this point, I'm looking at anything 13ish or higher as a potential mature egg, which still puts us at 7-8 for retrieval. I think they'll try to retrieve out of follicles even a little smaller, but if I have 7-8 mature eggs, i'll be happy. That gives us good odds, in my head, anyway.

And the news gets even better. Since it's a weekend and they want to leave as early as possible, Nurse Jennifer just called with my E2.

Drumroll please......

723!!!!!!!!!

This cycle is starting to really pick up. With 13 large follicles in my Smudge cycle on the same stims day, my E2 was 899. My estrogen per follicle is DEFINITELY higher this cycle and that can only mean good things about the maturation of the eggs. There are only 7-8 that we're counting this time. 


No med changes and I go back in the morning. May the force be with me.

Power to the Penguins

I have a confession. I'm comparing cycles like a mofo. 

I got my E2 back. It's 498. So, definitely better than yesterday. Today is stims day 8. Wouldn't you know that I also started Ganirelix on stims day 8 in my Smudge cycle too? That's a happy coincidence, don't you think? My E2 was 615, but I also had 13 follicles over 10mm. Now I only have 8! I think that's really good news for my level.  I had 13 follicles and the E2 was 615 (we retrieved 13 eggs BTW, but only 7 were mature).  I think it's actually HIGHER now, looking at the number of follicles. The actual number is a little bit lower, but I have almost half the number of follicles! I bet all 7 of these will be mature. 

Can you imagine if they all fertilize?! The thought of having 7 embryos is almost overwhelming. I don't know if we would ever do another fresh cycle (if this cycle works), but Smudge's Dad has already agreed to do a FET in the future if we wind up with something to freeze. 

Okay - getting ahead of myself. 

All that matters is I have 7 follicles going strong. 

Going back tomorrow, and I'm sure every day until trigger. 

OMG. This is going to happen REALLY soon.

The March of the Penguins

The socks were out in force this morning, and Nurse Fran has stopped laughing at me and is now laughing with me.

Yesterday, my list of measurable follicles was pretty short... today, she needed TWO screens to list them all!

page 1...

Page 2!!

Without further ado, and because I know you're all dying to know:

My lining looks great. 10mm and trilaminar. Thank you pomegranate juice.

And the important stuff... what we're all here for:

5 measurable follicles on the left: 9.2mm, 6.8mm, 12.7mm, 13.3mm, 12.3mm

10 (um, yes, I said TEN) measurable follicles on the right: 8.9mm, 7.1mm, 10mm, 8.7mm, 13mm, 8.6mm, 9mm, 15mm, 14.3mm, 12.8mm

Now, anything under 10, they're really not looking at. But there are a few REALLY good looking follicles there: 3 on the left and 4, MAYBE 5 on the right. But it looks like 7 is going to be my magic number this retrieval. Seven was the number with IVF #1, and we all know how that turned out. But this time seven is going to be lucky. Things are trucking right along, and I'm not worried. 

Right?

Because of the follicles 14mm and over, I started a new medication this morning called Ganirelix. This injectible is going to prevent the follicles from releasing the eggs too soon, and will allow some of the others to catch up. It's the med that keeps on giving. When it goes in, you're lulled into this false sense of, "hey, this one isn't so bad". Then about 5-10 minutes later, holy mother of goats, does that sucker sting. The Ganirelix comes in a pre-filled syringe, so you don't have to draw it up or anything, you just stick and shoot. Yeah, whatever. That needle is dull as a spork. So, smart cookie that I am, i empty it into a new syringe and stick a sharp needle on the end. 

Good thing too... I already look like this:

The IF landscape

Anyway - just sitting now, and waiting to hear what my estrogen is. From here on it, I'll be going to be monitored with vagcam and bloodwork every day until trigger. Fran will call me every afternoon to tell me my estrogen and if I need to adjust any doses. 

I'll leave you with this today... the reason why we're doing this. Because she deserves to have a sibling.

I'll update later.

And the Happy Feet Update is....

E2 is 293. I go back tomorrow and likely every day from now until trigger.

Hopefully things start picking up.

(As I try desperately to NOT compare anything to last cycle.)

Time to Break Out the Big Guns....

 That's right, folks. It's no holds barred now... I'm doing it and no one can stop me.

I'm wearing fleecy penguin socks in June.

Hi old friends.

These socks saw me through IVF #2, retrieval, transfer and the labor and eventual delivery of my daughter.

And now they're getting dusted off.  And just in time too. Because they worked.

Obviously, I know that there are factors in play other than lucky socks.  There are buttloads of injectible hormone stimulating medications and modern science. But HEY! If I want to give the socks some credit, then I'm going to.

And without further ado, I give you... monitoring #3.3 (have I ever mentioned that 3 is my favorite number, btw?):

My lining is trilaminar. For those paying attention, that means my estrogen is rising. So, yay! That also explains why I'm a hormonal raving crazy-monster, but who's really paying attention to EVERY little mood swing right now? (Honey, put your hand down please. Thank you.)

Now, let's discuss the follicles, shall we?

At the very tippy top, you can see a follicle. It's the black circle.

There are 5 measuring on the right with 2 small: 8.4mm, 12mm, 10.3mm, 10mm, 11.7mm

There are 6 measuring on the left with 1 small: 5.4mm, 8.3mm, 5.7mm, 10.7mm, 11.1mm, 11.4mm

Fran (my ever wonderful nurse) said for 6 days of stims, this is great for me. I'm obviously progressing and we're hoping for an E2 above 200 today.

So, now we get to wait for the phone call that will give me instructions for my meds tonight and tell me when I need to go back. I'm guessing saturday and staying the course on my meds... or maybe a SLIGHT increase if he wants me to go a little faster. But i'm not worried anymore.  I see at least 7 great follicles in my future. Now lets just hope for good mature eggs inside them.

Hold onto your penguin socks, friends... I think the ride is about to take off.

Update from Monitoring #3.2

My E2 is 113!!!!!!!! That's smack dab almost in the middle of 100 and 150.  I guess it really isn't over until I start singing.

Stay the course. Next monitoring is thursday.

Please send positive energy and strength. I clearly need it. 

I probably shouldn't be sitting here crying, right?

I'm just beside myself right now. Yep. That's me, sitting right there, wondering WTF is going on in there.

Seriously - WTF.

I'm 36. Not 46. My FSH is normal. So normal it's scary. Everything, except for my AMH, is normal. And my AMH is tripled from last time. Yeah, it's still low, but no where near as low as last time. So, maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe I have my expectations set too high. Maybe I just expected a smooth IVF cycle, like my Smudge cycle. Maybe I'm setting myself up to be heartbroken. 

All I know is I got home from monitoring a little while ago and I'm sitting here crying.

Cycle #1, Stims day 5: 5 small on the left and 5 small on the right with one 11mm and one 10mm. My lining was 5mm and homogeneous. E2 was 52. And that sucked. AFC this cycle was 14.

Cycle #2, Stims day 5: 6 small on the left with a 10mm and 12 small on the right. My lining was 5mm and trilaminar. E2 was 143. They like it between 100 and 150. 143 was perfect.  AFC this cycle was 11.

Here we are. Cycle #3, Stims day 5: 6 "measuring" with a few small on the left and 6 "measuring" on the right.  My lining was 9mm and homogeneous. The ones that are "measuring" are between 7-9mm. None are over 10. AFC this cycle was 11.

triple stripe lining

homogeneous lining

Important fact: Uterine lining changes are estrogen driven. In order for implantation to occur, your lining has to be trilaminar, meaning a triple stripe. Last cycle, my estrogen was perfect. My follicles were growing and my lining was trilaminar. This cycle, my lining is still homogeneous, which says to me that my E2 isn't in the range they want it yet.

Which tells me that my follicles aren't maturing and my E2 isn't in range. Like cycle #1. Like the cycle that didn't work.

I sat on the floor when I got home and played with Smudge. The thought of not being able to give her a sibling is so sharp and painful.  And then it makes me so upset about the baby I lost. She HAD a sibling. And what if that was her only chance. I've already given up my dreams of a big family, but I'm not ready to accept that she might be an only child.

What if I'm just too old?

Oh, god, what if this doesn't work?

Don't ever let anyone tell you that having a baby makes infertility go away. I promise you it doesn't. Not the diagnosis. Not the emotions. And not the fact that once again, i'm shooting myself up with meds multiple times a day, getting bloodwork and vagcams daily and even still i'm sitting here in tears... because all i want is another baby. A sibling for the daughter I already have. And once again, it looks like I'm broken.

I'm so tired of being broken. Meanwhile, as usual, I'm just waiting for the phone to ring. 

First Pen Down

I think it's funny that the gonal-f pen comes with so many needles. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually uses that many for one pen. All I know is that today is stims day 4, and my first pen is down. 

I can definitely feel some sort of action going on in my ovaries, the left more so than the right. But I know the right one is a little further behind my uterus, so I wonder if that make me able to feel it a little bit less. I guess I'll find out for sure tomorrow morning.

By this time tomorrow, I will already be on my way home from monitoring #3.2. I will know how I'm stimming; if this tripled AMH (still crap, but less crap) is making any difference, and what my risk for cancelation is. I feel like tomorrow means almost as much as whatever happens on retrieval day. I'll never forget crying my eyes out on my way home, on that day 2 cycles ago, when I was told that there was a good chance I might be canceled. I hope to never hear those words again.

So, sacrifice a chicken, cross everything, throw some salt, say a prayer, light a candle and smoke 'em if you got 'em. I need all the luck I can get.

*\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/* *\o/*

A few vag cheerleaders never hurt.

I can't believe I'm writing this: Monitoring #3.1

When we started talking about this cycle, it was last year and June seemed so far away. How is it possible that it's June 1st and yesterday I spent the morning at my first cattle call monitoring appointment? They make it as glamorous as it sounds. Lining up, at the buttcrack of dawn, first come first served for blood draws and vagcams. Either this is the smallest group i've ever cycled with, or I'm not going to have to fight for the #1 spot this time. Either way, I was first, which is how I like it, because i'm back on the road and on my way home by 7:30am.

The news yesterday was fine. If I didn't hear from them, my hormone levels were where they want them, and I'm still to start meds today. My ultrasound still showed 11 antral follicles with a homogenous lining at 8mm. The only concern was that I still hadn't gotten my post BCP period, but that concern is no longer.

... and away we go.

Which means tonight is the night. Stims start in T-34 minutes. And I'm having a full blown panic attack trying to figure out how i'm going to do this for the next 10 days. Last time it wasn't this hard. I had to give myself a few shots at 7pm. No problem. If I was at work, i just arranged for one or two people that could give me the Menopur. You see, I can give myself the Gonal no problem. Quick. 1-2-3, right in the thigh. The menopur burns like hell and   there's no way I can give it to myself in the thigh. It's a full mL and it just hurts too damn bad. So, we always did those in the backs of my arms. But I can't reach the back of my arm by myself, so I need help with that one.  I work until 6pm this weekend, but I should be home by 7pm, so Chris can still do those. Tuesday is the problem. I have acupuncture at 6:15pm. She's booked and can't reschedule me. So, I asked the obvious question. As a favor to me, is there any way she could give me the shot.

Nope.

Great. 

I have no idea how we're going to do Tuesday. But for now I'm going to focus on tonight. In 31 minutes I'm going to start this crazy all over again. I'm scared, excited, nervous, insecure, overwhelmed... Yep. Still infertile and all of the feelings that go along with it.

.... and away we go.....

UPDATE: my acu texted me back again. She says she reread my text and feels terrible that she misunderstood me. She'll absolutely give me my menopur on tuesday night. Phew.