I'm a Bad Blogger. 18w Update

Stephen King always talks about his "faithful readers". Well, if I have any, i owe them an apology. I've been very lax at blog upkeep. It's been over a month, but it's been a VERY sleepless month, in my defense. Do you want to know the main difference between being pregnant with #1 and #2?

The toddler.

And I love that toddler more than I ever knew possible. But man, if having one doesn't make being pregnant a LOT more difficult. Gone are the days where when I was tired, I could just put up my feet and try to rest. Enter The Toddler. She needs attention and mommy time and honestly, who could blame her? She's going to have to share me pretty soon, and although I'm so happy to be giving her a sibling, I know it's going to be an adjustment for all of us. But man, am I tired. I'll be really happy when this latest round of teeth are in.

But here we are at 18w. And just because nothing can be easy, i spent this morning at the perinatologist. Over the weekend I had a lot of intense cramping and a little bit of spotting. Finally monday morning, I called the midwives just to get their opinion. Fast forward to today.

A picture of an 18w Squishy picture

Baby looks great. So, no worries there, and I'm perfectly happy with no documentable reason for what I experienced. It's certainly better than some of the alternatives, like pre-term labor, placenta previa, etc. But when the perinatologist du jour came in to check on me, he saw that I was worried and told me we could chat in his office before i left.

We reviewed my c/s (again) and Smudge's birth history, which led to a shocking statement from him that still has me reeling.

He doesn't think I had a complete abruption. 

No, that's not what he said. He said I DIDN'T have a complete abruption. And what he says makes sense, because he just highlighted every doubt I've had over the last 22 months. A complete abruption would be the equivalent of severing the adults aorta. Completely cutting off blood supply and oxygen to the baby. Babies who have complete abruptions die and those that don't, have resuscitations. They don't have 1 minute apgars of 9.  Maybe they don't have normal placental pathology either (my placenta was completely normal - i saw the report).

My OB lied about so many things. For example: when I had my 35 week scan, and Smudge weighed in at 5-12,  we laughed about it, because I had "requested" a 6 1/2 pound baby. Then when she was born, my OB said, "well, we always knew she was going to be small". You f-ing liar, do you not think I remembered that 35 week conversation? You may have dozens of patients. I only have 1 OB. I know what we talked about. Truth is, you missed an IUGR situation, and you just didn't want to get called on it.

My doula told me months after Smudge was born that my OB had been pushing for a c/s for hours. Did i just become an inconvenience who was taking up a hospital bed for 2 shifts? Did she just pull out the ONE reason she knew I wouldn't refuse?

Did I really have a c/s that I didn't need?

I'm so upset. I'm heartbroken and hurt and all of these adjectives I can't even name. And I'll never know the truth. My chart is a mess. It's handwritten, not even computerized and my doctor can write whatever she wants. No one has to corroborate anything. 

My c/s was a huge step in my feeling like a complete failure. 1st having to do IVF, then the c/s and then not being able to breastfeed. I feel like my body has completely failed me. And I know that the c/s is partly responsible for the breastfeeding issues, because the IV fluid lead to increased swelling that my 5lb baby couldn't maneuver around and the IV narcotics I was forced to have (i refused them, and the anesthesiologist gave them anyway. He said I "had" to have them, but he would give me a smaller dose) then impacted my ability to breastfeed in recovery. 

I'm still dealing with the emotional impact of all of it. I really hate my body, I feel like I can't do anything right. 

And this may have not been my fault. This could be just a freaking OB on her own schedule who didn't want to just let me take more time when my contractions spaced. So convenient that my contractions spaced and then I had the decel that sent me to the OR. 

I'll never know.

18w midwife appointment tomorrow. Smudge's appointment at CHOP is Monday. Anatomy scan the following week and Fetal Echo with Smudge's cardiologist the week after. 

October is going to be busy. So much to think about right now. Really didn't want to add to the pile. 

Please send hugs and vegan cupcakes.