Jelly Beans and Other Mundane Things...

I have a hard time believing that I'm seven months pregnant. This pregnancy is really speeding by. Before I know it, it will be March and I'll be juggling being a mother of two. 

28 weeks pregnant and growing by the day (wider than "out" because baby is sideways)

In the past few weeks, Smudge has really started to act like she's paying attention when we talk about what's happening. She now knows there's a baby in mommy's belly. Not that I think she has any concept of what that actually means, but it's cute to talk to her about it. She pulls up my shirt and gives "huggies" and "kisses". A few weeks ago, she read a book to my belly and today she tried to feed the baby a tomato through my belly. But I think some of my favorite times are when we're getting her ready for bed and she wants to lotion my belly, because she saw me doing it once. 

"Lotion Mommy Belly"

Of course, then she also pulled up Daddy's shirt yesterday and said, "Huggies Daddy baby", so maybe she doesn't quite get it after all. Or maybe Daddy has just gone a bit far on the sympathy weight. (Joke, honey.)

I know I've mentioned the love that I have for my new OB practice. ESPECIALLY when it came to the 1hr diabetes test 2 weeks ago. Nothing better than getting to eat a bunch of jelly beans rather than that disgusting syrupy drink. Even better was finding out 3 days later that I passed. So much pressure off. Take that, AMA. 

Of course, that doesn't mean I've stopped gaining weight. This pregnancy is SO different than it was with Smudge. I was able to curtail my gain with her and craved really nothing but protein and a carb here and there. This kid has me eating chocolate and cupcakes and seriously, enough already. I just can't stop eating. I keep saying it's so incredibly different that this is either a boy or a girl who will NOT be 5 1/2 pounds like big sister was. And sure enough, I had a growth scan yesterday. Baby is only measuring 1 day ahead, but is at least 10% larger than Smudge was at this point and already is estimated at 2lbs 10oz. This kid is going to be HUGE. And no complaints from me - VBAC and all. Unfortunately, in addition to being huge, the Squish is also transverse, snuggling against my uterus like a body pillow staring up at my diaphragm. I'll definitely be asking Dr. B about this on Monday. I need to know when I should start inversions or chiropractic. I don't want to be late 3rd trimester worrying about needing a c/s because my kid is too comfortable. It's bad enough I'm worrying about it now. At least s/he's not jackknifed like Smudge was. Then I'd be worried about hips too (or at least more than I already am). 

Not that the past few weeks have been completely without torture. What kind of fun would that be? Last week I found myself spending the afternoon in Labor and Delivery. I wasn't thrilled with my first experience at Jersey Shore. I had to wait almost 20 minutes before anyone even acknowledged that I was standing there. And it's not that people were busy. There were no less than 2 doctors and 3 nurses at the nursing station at any one time. They were just waiting to let the secretary do her job, and she made no bones about the fact that her job would be done in her time. Me standing there in excruciating pain, be damned. They made me fill out paperwork without even asking me if I was okay. All i could think was they better be damned lucky if I weren't in labor... because it I was getting ready to birth a 27 weeker, and they were making me fill out PAPERWORK first, there was going to be hell to pay. The triage nurse was just about as nice, but a couple of the other nurses I met were very kind. I think i just had the crappy luck to be in an empty triage the day a bitch was assigned there and didn't want to be bothered. 

At least, when push came to shove, I wasn't in labor. Just had a nasty bladder infection that was causing a lot of referred belly pain thanks to an inflamed bladder. There, aren't you glad you know that now? A week of antibiotics and all is right with the world. I have my follow up with my new OB (we can just call him Dr. B) on Monday, so I'm sure they'll re-dip my urine then to make sure it's gone. Although based on how I feel, it is. 

And just for funsies... Smudge decided to start getting ready for baby too and had some naked baby wearing time the other night. Even she knows how beneficial skin-to-skin is!

Until next time.....

A Breath of Fresh Air

I don't think until the last  four weeks, I have ever had a time during pregnancy where I was completely comfortable with my choice of providers. During my pregnancy with Smudge, I quashed those feelings, completely ignoring my gut, and stayed with my provider. Well, we all know how that ended. I didn't intend to do that twice. 
Four weeks ago, I was awaiting a consultation with a new obstetrical provider. Well, that consultation couldn't have gone better. When I walked in with two full pages of questions, I was sure he would hate me. Instead, it was as if someone had given him my questions ahead of time. He had ALL of the right answers. There wasn't one thing I had any concern about. So, rather than take my consult with him and discuss my concerns with the midwives the following week, I switched to his practice officially that afternoon. 

This morning I had my next appointment with my new OB practice. I met Dr B's partner, Dr R. She was like a breath of fresh air. Completely relatable, young and an osteopath - so right on track with my natural tendencies. I was concerned that perhaps she didn't share all of Dr B's beliefs in terms of VBAC and natural Cesarean, but she quickly laid those fears to rest. She said Dr B trained her as a resident, so she essentially practices EXACTLY as he does, as do their other partners. She said any member of the practice would support my birth wishes. 

And I think the best part of my visit today was when she told me that I'm measuring perfectly for 25 weeks, my belly looks great and she thinks I'm right on track for my weight gain. I expressed my concerns about how quickly I was gaining and what the midwives said about it. Dr R said she had no concerns about my gain, I'm right on track and if she had any worries she would tell me. 

The good news is my gain is slowing. I'm attributing it to stress. I'm no longer stressed about my provider and I'm now gaining less than 1lb a week. I know that still sounds like a lot, but considering how I was gaining earlier, it's really good. I'm now up 20lbs in 25w. That's horrifying to me, considering I only gained 20lbs all together with Anna. But my diet is different now, my activity level is different now and it's an entirely different pregnancy. This baby will NOT let me stop eating. I'm trying really hard to make the right dietary choices, especially since I'm CONSTANTLY hungry. Smudge didn't do this to me. So, as Dr R said today, either this is a boy or I'm just growing a girl who will weigh more than 5 1/2 lbs. And we're totally okay with that. 

My new goal is 35lbs. I do not want to gain 40lbs. But hopefully I can keep it just under that. 

In other news, I scheduled my glucose tolerance test. Guess who gets to eat jelly beans instead of that awful disgusting drink? THIS GIRL. I'm waiting to clarify how many I have to eat, but I'm psyched. Not only about that - but that they draw all blood work in their office, so I don't even have to go sit at lab corp. 

Other good news from this week, the hospital where I'm going to deliver the Squish is now certified "baby-friendly" which means I'm going to have the BEST lactation support possible. And as if that weren't good enough, now the labor and delivery unit has telemetry monitoring, which means I won't have to be tied to a bed AT ALL while I'm in labor. I may even be able to get into the tub. That would be awesome.

GTT in 2 weeks. Until then.... 

19w6d: An Anatomy Scan in Pictures

Meet Squishy!

Just lounging. Hard to tell in the picture, but in this shot baby's right arm is hanging down by my cervix, knocking on the exit.

We have the same shot with Smudge, with the exasperated hand on the forehead, saying,"Really, mom? Are we done yet?"

We got shots of Smudge's hands. Seems only poetic that this time we got feet.

Hand on the forehead

Hi Squishy

Profile

We saw baby yawn and then shove fingers into his or her mouth.
S/he looks just like Smudge. 

Everything looks perfect with Squishy. The perinatologist once again said he doesn't understand why I needed the c/s with Smudge and that he thinks I have a reasonable chance at a VBAC. Baby measures perfect - exactly 19w6d - and in the 40-50% for weight and length. 

I've also met a handful of people who have used the doctor that I have a consult with next week, and say he's fabulous. My midwife appointment is the following week. By the end of the month, I will know who my provider will be. 

Meanwhile, Squishy is bouncing around like a wild person and we're still firmly on Team Green.

Decisions, Decisions

When last I updated, I had my 18w midwife appointment the following day. Ugh - what a disaster that was.  It seems that rather than support me in my efforts to achieve a VBAC, they're determined to keep reminding me that I'm a failure. If I hear one more time, "Well, if you couldn't push out a 5 1/2 pound baby...", as if that's all that matters. Take a baby, make her posterior and malpositioned, and you tell me how easy it's going to be to push out a baby who is banging her head against your hip bone. Here's a hint: it wouldn't matter if that baby was 2 lbs or 10. If they're in the wrong position, THEY'RE NOT COMING OUT. 

And I can't forget how I'm completely out of shape and gaining way too much weight (14lbs in 18w). I know I only gained 20lbs with Anna. But she was only 5 1/2 lbs (as you keep reminding me). If she weren't borderline IUGR, i would have gained more. So, telling me to "lay off the chips" isn't just rude, it's downright judgmental. Especially considering I don't eat junk (save the occasional cupcake). And I was particularly happy to hear that the beans I've been eating (because they're a source of protein I can keep down) aren't "good enough" as a source of protein and are too high calorie. What? Whatever.

I left there feeling like a complete failure, that I couldn't do anything right and that once again, I was going to fail.

The funny thing is, I should be a GREAT candidate for a VBAC. I went into labor spontaneously, I got to 10cm, I certainly was able to push and I wasn't a c/s for "failure to progress". I even found a study that indicates I have an 88% chance of success based on their scoring - the only thing keeping me out of a higher bracket being that I haven't had a previous vaginal delivery. 

I went to my monthly ICAN meeting this past Wednesday. I've always heard such awesome things about this midwife group there, so I really couldn't wait to get some input from my group leader. There were a bunch of girls there that I hadn't met before and two of them are using the same midwives (one for #2 and one for #3, both due in January, a little over a month ahead of me). Anyway - as we all started talking, it became clear that these other two girls are having the same exact experience that I am, down to the disparaging weight comments. Our leader was shocked. No one has really said anything negative about the midwives before. 

The one potentially good thing is that one of the girls has a friend who had a miserable prenatal experience with them but a fabulous delivery. Said they were amazing in labor. She also was a primeip though, not a VBAC. 

One of the two girls is having her second VBAC. Her first was with an OB who also delivers at the hospital where I want to go. I asked her why she didn't go back to him with this pregnancy, because she seems to have a great experience with him, and she said it was because she wanted to have an experience with a MW. There was no other reason, but she was seriously considering going back.

Anyway - he takes my insurance and when I checked his website, this is the first thing I saw:

I  made an appointment for a consultation with him. He's out all next week, but I'm going in the following week. I'll be 21w. At 22w, I have my next appointment with the MWs. I'm going to take my visit with Dr B (the OB) plus my 22w visit with the MWs, where I plan to voice my concerns, and then make a decision on what I'm going to do. 

Here's where I'm struggling. I KNOW that the MWs will give me the labor I want and every opportunity to deliver vaginally, IF they let me get that far and don't push me to a CBAC. That's my concern. My concern about the OB is that apparently only 2 or 3 of the doctors in that practice deliver and they are backed up by a secondary practice that I know nothing about. I am concerned that the back up practice WOULDN'T be supportive of a VBAC. 

I have so many questions for both groups. 

Anyway - that's where I stand right now. I have my anatomy scan on Tuesday and then my appointment with Dr B next Thursday and my fetal echo the day after. 

I'll update more when there's news. In the meantime, I'm just doing what I can to figure this all out. 

I'm a Bad Blogger. 18w Update

Stephen King always talks about his "faithful readers". Well, if I have any, i owe them an apology. I've been very lax at blog upkeep. It's been over a month, but it's been a VERY sleepless month, in my defense. Do you want to know the main difference between being pregnant with #1 and #2?

The toddler.

And I love that toddler more than I ever knew possible. But man, if having one doesn't make being pregnant a LOT more difficult. Gone are the days where when I was tired, I could just put up my feet and try to rest. Enter The Toddler. She needs attention and mommy time and honestly, who could blame her? She's going to have to share me pretty soon, and although I'm so happy to be giving her a sibling, I know it's going to be an adjustment for all of us. But man, am I tired. I'll be really happy when this latest round of teeth are in.

But here we are at 18w. And just because nothing can be easy, i spent this morning at the perinatologist. Over the weekend I had a lot of intense cramping and a little bit of spotting. Finally monday morning, I called the midwives just to get their opinion. Fast forward to today.

A picture of an 18w Squishy picture

Baby looks great. So, no worries there, and I'm perfectly happy with no documentable reason for what I experienced. It's certainly better than some of the alternatives, like pre-term labor, placenta previa, etc. But when the perinatologist du jour came in to check on me, he saw that I was worried and told me we could chat in his office before i left.

We reviewed my c/s (again) and Smudge's birth history, which led to a shocking statement from him that still has me reeling.

He doesn't think I had a complete abruption. 

No, that's not what he said. He said I DIDN'T have a complete abruption. And what he says makes sense, because he just highlighted every doubt I've had over the last 22 months. A complete abruption would be the equivalent of severing the adults aorta. Completely cutting off blood supply and oxygen to the baby. Babies who have complete abruptions die and those that don't, have resuscitations. They don't have 1 minute apgars of 9.  Maybe they don't have normal placental pathology either (my placenta was completely normal - i saw the report).

My OB lied about so many things. For example: when I had my 35 week scan, and Smudge weighed in at 5-12,  we laughed about it, because I had "requested" a 6 1/2 pound baby. Then when she was born, my OB said, "well, we always knew she was going to be small". You f-ing liar, do you not think I remembered that 35 week conversation? You may have dozens of patients. I only have 1 OB. I know what we talked about. Truth is, you missed an IUGR situation, and you just didn't want to get called on it.

My doula told me months after Smudge was born that my OB had been pushing for a c/s for hours. Did i just become an inconvenience who was taking up a hospital bed for 2 shifts? Did she just pull out the ONE reason she knew I wouldn't refuse?

Did I really have a c/s that I didn't need?

I'm so upset. I'm heartbroken and hurt and all of these adjectives I can't even name. And I'll never know the truth. My chart is a mess. It's handwritten, not even computerized and my doctor can write whatever she wants. No one has to corroborate anything. 

My c/s was a huge step in my feeling like a complete failure. 1st having to do IVF, then the c/s and then not being able to breastfeed. I feel like my body has completely failed me. And I know that the c/s is partly responsible for the breastfeeding issues, because the IV fluid lead to increased swelling that my 5lb baby couldn't maneuver around and the IV narcotics I was forced to have (i refused them, and the anesthesiologist gave them anyway. He said I "had" to have them, but he would give me a smaller dose) then impacted my ability to breastfeed in recovery. 

I'm still dealing with the emotional impact of all of it. I really hate my body, I feel like I can't do anything right. 

And this may have not been my fault. This could be just a freaking OB on her own schedule who didn't want to just let me take more time when my contractions spaced. So convenient that my contractions spaced and then I had the decel that sent me to the OR. 

I'll never know.

18w midwife appointment tomorrow. Smudge's appointment at CHOP is Monday. Anatomy scan the following week and Fetal Echo with Smudge's cardiologist the week after. 

October is going to be busy. So much to think about right now. Really didn't want to add to the pile. 

Please send hugs and vegan cupcakes. 

NT Scan and Perinatologist Update

I swear that was the longest appointment ever.  It was good news. Squishy looks great. But because of some of the issues with my last pregnancy and with Smudge, there was a lot to talk about .

First, the NT Scan. It looked great. Squishy is CRAZY active. More than Smudge ever was. Just as stubborn too. Goodie. But the NT measurement looked awesome. 1.4mm. The perinatologist said that's a great measurement at any point in the pregnancy. They also saw the nasal bone, which is good news. There were no other soft markers present that would indicate a chromosomal abnormality. They saw all of the major organs they were looking for, 2 arms and 2 legs. The umbilical cord has 3 vessels and Squishy is measuring a couple of days ahead, at 12w2d. 

See... Squishy.

It's a picture of a monitor, so please forgive the quality.
Our actual pictures won't be scanned until tomorrow.

We talked a lot about my Smudge pregnancy. He's concerned that I won't be able to VBAC, but that's not his expertise, so I'm not really considering his opinion. If Dr Z and the midwives think I can do it, that's all that matters. Dr C (from the perinatology institute) can make sure Squishy grows and thrives while s/he's inside, my midwives will take care of things from there. He had some concerns about placenta placement, but it's nice and posterior for now, so there are no concerns with my incision. Two fibroids have made an appearance (background: I had three at the beginning of my Smudge IVF cycle and at my c-section they found nine. At the beginning of my Squishy cycle there were none, so we fully expected them to make an appearance at some point, since they're likely hormonally driven) but they're on the exterior of my uterus, like the other ones were, so not concerned about them at this point. Also, the cyst that was on my right ovary (and at one point the size of my head) has completely resolved. So yay that. 

I brought up my concerns about Smudge not having grown in my last month of the pregnancy. (At 35 weeks, she was measuring approximately 5lbs 12oz, and then was born 5 weeks later at 5lbs 8oz - just this side of low weight for gestational age.) He reviewed all of my records from my pregnancy, and said that at every scan I had, she was measuring 40-50%.  He agreed that it was concerning that it appears she didn't gain any weight from 35-40 weeks. He plans on monitoring me a little bit closer at the end of this pregnancy. I'm okay with that. A few extra ultrasounds aren't going to hurt - but it they indicate that the baby is in trouble, then we will be able to do something about it. We were fortunate that Smudge was healthy, despite her lack of growth. It might not be the same next time. 

We also discussed the two congenital issues that Smudge had. Her severe hip dysplasia and her cardiac defect. The latter automatically got me signed up for a fetal echo. I'm okay with that. Dr C said I could go back to Smudge's cardiologist for the echo, which is great. I just love her (another Dr C). Her hip dysplasia was another story. As of right now, Smudge's orthopedic surgeon at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) is calling it Developmental Dysplasia of the Hips. If Squishy is born with hip dysplasia as well, both babies will be given the diagnosis of Congenital Dysplasia of the Hips. Unfortunately, this is something they can't look for in utero. Dr S (the ortho) has already agreed to see us soon after birth for an ultrasound, rather than waiting the standard 4 weeks. I just can't wait that long. Smudge was in treatment at 6 days old. I'd feel negligent if Squishy needed something that we weren't providing in that time. 

I know this has already been so long - but wait - there's more. 

My MTHFR comes back into play, as being homozygous for the mutation makes me a higher risk for having a child with a spinal/neural tube defect (which we were initially concerned about with Smudge). However, since my homocysteine level has been normal, he's less concerned. Even though, he's recommending that combined with my age, I have the 2nd trimester AFP blood test done. He said at their clinic, they're 95% accurate with picking up spinal defects via ultrasound, but it's better to be safe than sorry. 

After all of that, I had my blood drawn for my 1st trimester risk of chromosomal abnormalities. 

He also told us that the clinic has been involved in some groundbreaking research, and that they're now offering a blood test (not covered by insurance now, but hopefully one day will be) which can indicate the trisomies and certain other genetic disorders like Turners Syndrome with 99% accuracy. That's just amazing. Hopefully we won't have to be concerned about the risk enough to pay for this test, but it's nice to know there's a more accurate blood test available prior to having to submit to an amniocentesis, should it come to that. 

That's enough, right?

It was a lot of information in one day. I practically fell asleep on my way home and I'm still really dragging. Smudge's Dad is working hard on trying to get her to bed, because I'm pretty sure if I were doing it, I'd be asleep before she would. 

Now we wait for the results. But based on the ultrasound, we hopefully have little (other than my age and egg quality) to worry about. 

Stay tuned....

Music to My Ears

11w6d: I'll be 12w in 2 hours. I made it through the day without an emergency midwife call. No bleeding or spotting to speak of. And even better, a successful 1st home doppler (HB 164 after a while of looking; s/he was hiding under momma's pubic bone).

I give you, Squishy.

Honestly - How Many Pregnant Chicks Check the Paper EVERY Time They Wipe?

I can't be the only one.  Not by a long shot. 

Today is 11w6d, which is an interesting anniversary of sorts. With Smudge, at 11w6d, I started bleeding. I'll never forget shaking like a leaf, calling Smudge's Dad and then my nurse. Then my emergency u/s where I could breathe when I still saw her heart beating. 

Sub-chorionic hematoma AKA the scariest day of my life. The day I thought I was losing her, just like I lost her twin. 

And today, in the face of my newly surfaced pregnancy nightmares, I'll spend the day waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Tomorrow is my NT scan. Between my age, my egg quality, my nightmares, my teething toddler and my lack of sleep, I just need it to get here already. 

I'm not feeling clever today... but I AM still pregnant!

I'm too tired to be clever today (or at least to pretend i'm clever), but I still wanted to update on my first appointment with my midwives. It went really well. I'm 10w2d today and I was nervous. I know way too many girls who have had late 1st tri losses lately and I was sure something would have happened between my 8w at Dr Z and today. But my midwife (today I saw Louise) didn't make me wait at all. I didn't get a picture, but i can't believe how big Squishy has gotten in the last 2+ weeks and I saw the heartbeat immediately. So, that's the baby update and it's a good one. 

Then we talked a lot about my labor with Smudge. She said there were positive indications for a VBAC. 1) I was full term and I went into labor sort of spontaneously (I told her about the acu-induction and everything else I did) and 2) I did get to 10cm and pushed for a long time. She said those are both very good signs that I should be able to have a good trial of labor. That made me feel a lot better, because one of the other midwives wasn't as positive at my annual, when we talked about my contractions spacing apart. But that didn't even phase Louise when I told her. I also had a VERY uncomfortable pelvic exam, where she was feeling out the shape of my pelvis.  She said that the top of my pelvis is more pointed than rounded (which would be normal), but there's plenty of posterior room and there's no physical reason she could see for why Smudge couldn't descend other than her posterior position. So, that's another check in the right column. 

She talked about nutrition, and like so many ladies have told me, told me really not to sweat the numbers right now; to try to increase my protein to stay fuller longer. She has the same goals I do: to keep my gain under 25lbs total. So, hopefully we can stay under that number. 
We also talked about the possibility of having to have another c/s, which I definitely would like to avoid. But in the case we feel like that is where I'm headed, or even if we don't think that, but I decide to for my own comfort, I can make a prenatal appointment with their cooperating doctor (Dr M) so I can meet him and discuss some of my concerns about my last c/s. Louise also told me that it's policy at my new hospital that when the baby and mother are stable, the baby is admitted in the OR and stays with mom in recovery. Since one of my biggest issues is that Smudge was kept from me for HOURS after my last c/s, that really reassured me. 

I scheduled my NT scan, anatomy scan and fetal echo (which apparently is now standard with our perinatologist, but we have no problem with that since Smudge had a cardiac defect when she was born). 10 days until we get to see Squishy again! <3

I'll leave you with pictures of our newest acquisition: A City Select Stroller with a second seat. OMG. I don't know how I haven't had this stroller the whole time, but we found an amazing deal on craigslist.

Smudge really LOVES it too. We can't get her out of it. She actually climbed into it herself this morning. So, we're going to be using it as a single stroller until Squishy gets here, which is one of the great things about it. 

Hopefully, next time I'll have some pictures for you of Squishy, and not just toys.

Pomp and Circumstance

Last weekend, this was me:

That stomach virus was AWFUL. I haven't been sick like that in a long time. Dr. Z told me just to stay hydrated and the baby would be fine, so I shouldn't worry. Yeah, right. Whatever. But I dug in with my vitamin waters and chicken broth. Stayed hydrated and 72 hours later felt so much better.

TOO much better. 

All of my symptoms were gone. I wasn't bone tired anymore. I ate eggs and CHICKEN. 

Tuesday morning I called my nurse and asked if there was any chance she could get me in earlier for an u/s. So, the next day (because Fran is awesome), I went in for my 8w ultrasound.

And Squishy is still going strong. HB 170, growth right on track at 8w0d. The Visible Embryo says Squishy has a four chambered heart now. Fetal development is chugging right along. Oh - and Squishy is no longer an embryo. S/he's now a fetus. Which means:

I hate leaving Dr Z, especially for unknown waters. I am very glad to have changed providers to the midwives at a great hospital and Dr Z really likes them and their cooperating doctor, which is great news (he didn't love the OB who delivered Smudge). But at Dr. Z's office, I know everyone and they spoil me. I  guess we'll find out soon enough. Our first appointment with the midwives is at 10w2d.

Meanwhile, my dizzy spells are back and I'm a little queasy again. Someone remind me, the next time I start to feel great to just embrace it and not question everything. 

3-4 weeks until I'll be able to hear Squishy's heartbeat for myself on the doppler. Until then, I'm just going to get through this one day at a time. 

Cleared to Call!

Last week, Dr. Z told me not to call my midwife yet. We emailed our doula anyway, and good thing, too, since that same day she got emails from two other former clients saying they were due in March too! She only takes four clients a month and we're #3!

This week, even though I had a moment of panic because I couldn't see the heartbeat, Chris and Dr. Z both assured me they saw it just fine. Fran told me it was averaging 135 but as high as 150. And when the u/s was over, he told me to go ahead and call the midwives.

Squishy is measuring 8.3mm and 6w5d (which incidentally is the same Smudge was measuring one day later, just 7.9mm. Smudge's heartbeat was 158). Everything looks perfect. Dr. Z is not concerned about the gigunda cyst. He says it will resolve. Still no sign of any of the nine fibroids I had at the end of my pregnancy with Smudge.

So, phone call made. 10w2d appointment with the midwives scheduled.

So far this pregnancy, i'm just really hit by a truck exhausted. And chasing after a toddler like this is no easy task. I'm a little queasy and my chicken aversion is back and rearing it's ugly head again. I'm also gaining weight like there's no tomorrow. I'm not eating a whole lot more, so I'm hoping I can blame some of it on the crazy progesterone doses I'm on. I know part of it is also that I'm not eating fat free dairy any longer (like I was with Smudge's pregnancy). Now that I'm dairy free, the alternatives are not fat free, so I probably need to try to make some adjustments there as well. I only gained 20 pounds last time, and I'm practically 1/2 way there already. Disgusting. I'll get this under control. I refuse to add a weight issue to this pregnancy. 

And here is Squishy at 7w:

First Tri MindFreak

So, how do you usually feel when you're getting your period? 
Crampy, right? Bloated? Maybe a little gassy and nauseous?

Hey, guess what? Those are also all normal first trimester symptoms. And it sucks. It also sucks that as your estrogen rises, your cervical fluid increases. And that feels like bleeding, which leads to umpteen trips to the bathroom every day to make sure you're not. 

First tri is a cruel cruel joke. I sometimes wish I was as naive as some of those moms posting barely dry pee sticks on facebook at 3w6d pregnant, without a clue their world could end in a minute. 
Meanwhile, assuming everything is okay, visembryo.com says that we're in the baby manatee stage of embryo-hood.

7w ultrasound tomorrow. Please cross everything for us that Squishy still has a heartbeat. 

One, Singular Sensation.....

Crazy doubling betas, insane bleeding for more than a week... it's all been stressing me out more than I care to admit. This pregnancy is already so different from my last. Including the way it's starting. Not with anything bittersweet. No lost twin. No lost anything, despite that horrendous nightmare about losing the baby the other night. 

Just this: I give you...... Squishy.

Hi, Baby: 6w1d. 

Squishy is measuring right on track at 3.7mm and at 6w. We were able to see a heartbeat today at 111bpm, which is exactly where it should be according to the American Pregnancy Association,  and what I think is the best webpage ever explaining early fetal development (and doing it well).

Dr Z couldn't see any explanation for the bleeding I experienced. So, of the options available, he thinks we were dealing with implantation bleeding from my thick lining. All that matters is that he sees no bleeding or interruption around the pregnancy. He also doesn't see any of my fibroids (there were 9 at my c-section for Smudge). So all good news there. 

I do have a cyst on my right ovary the size of my head. We'll hope that resolves sometime soon.

And as a complete aside, on my way out of the office, Dr Z pulled me aside and asked if he could ask me a question. He may be looking for more nurses.... and on the weekend. He wanted to know if he could call me to discuss working for him. That would just be amazing and I continue to be so touched that he thinks enough of me to ask me to work for him. And I wouldn't have to worry about how to tell him I'm pregnant, either! 

Next u/s is scheduled for thursday. Please continue to send us all the positives you can, because we're not out of the woods yet. We're still aiming for that 8w mark, where the chance of m/c drops to less than 5%. Seeing a heartbeat today was great news, but I'll be happy when our risk of losing this baby drops below double digits. Stay tuned.

My Beating Heart

This is what an embryo's heart looks like:

And if all is progressing as it should be in there, the calculator at IVF.ca tells me that today my baby's heart started beating.

The next 5 1/2 days are going to take forever to get here. 

The WORST 2ww

It's no joke that the 2ww between retrieval and beta sucks. I even have a whole posting dedicated to how much so, here. But if anyone tells you that it's the worst wait, they're either complete and total liars or they've just never done this before, because the WORST 2ww is between that official beta and the first u/s... when you find out if you actually have a viable pregnancy.

Assuming I DO have a viable pregnancy, this is what my baby is up to today: Check Out: The Visible Embryo. I love that website.

That first u/s is usually at the 6w mark. A few other things usually get ushered in around that mark, morning sickness among them. I'm hopeful that my little embryo is snuggling in nice and deep, because today I woke up sick as a dog. WIth Smudge, I spent a lot of time nauseous, but never threw up. Can't say the same now, that's for sure. My acupuncturist has asked me to not drink peppermint or ginger right now (of course). Something about they're very grounding and we want to be uplifting, or some other new-agey hoo-hah. I'm just going under the assumption that a can of organic ginger ale here and there isn't going to be the worst thing in the world, because it REALLY makes me feel better temporarily. 

I've been told to try Sea Bands for nausea. Thoughts? Leave them in the comments!! :)

This stuff is AWESOME.

The good news is that the spotting has finally stopped. I'm officially over 24 hours without spotting. Even so, if you know me, you know that there's no way i'm going to make it another 10 days to u/s without ANY monitoring at all. So, I just got off the phone with my covering nurse (of course Fran is on vacation this week), and they're fitting me in for a beta thursday morning. I'll feel much better if I can just see the numbers continuing to rise.

I'm 5w tomorrow. Stay tuned. 

And Now We Wait.....

I'm really tired, you guys. It's been a long day in Smudge's house. So, what's the old saying? "Just the facts, Ma'am"; is that it?

Smudge cycle:
Beta 1, 14dpo: 126 with P4 = 44
Beta 2, 19dpo: 941 with P4 = 48
Doubling time: 41.37hrs

Current cycle:
Beta 2, 14dpo: 142 with P4 = 29 (increased daily PIO dosage)
Beta 3, 16dpo: 309 with P4 = >40
Doubling time: 42.79hrs

We'll take it.

First ultrasound will be July 12th. If I continue spotting or bleeding in the coming week, they will get me in sooner for another beta or an early u/s.

Stay tuned....

Double Trouble

I swear, the International Symbol for Infertility should be:

Well, minus the smokes, of course.


I think I spend as much time waiting for the phone to ring as I do shooting myself up with various poisons. 

Anyway, when last we met, we were hoping for a strong beta today. The definition of a "strong beta" is to double in 48 hours. On Monday (9dp3dt), at 11am, my beta was 42. 

Today (11dp3dt), at 7am, less than 48 hours later, it was 142. 

According to my new best friends at BetaBase.info, my beta has a doubling time of 25 hours.  It more than tripled less than 48 hours. There IS some concern. My progesterone DID drop again. It's now 29. Dr. Z is being very proactive and upping my PIO dosage. Yay - bigger butt shots. Whatever I have to do, i'll do. I'm just glad he's not forcing vag suppositories on me again. Those things suck - and quite honestly, I'm spotting enough already. 

Oh yeah, the spotting. Still going on. Fran says that if I'm still spotting next week, that Dr Z will let me come in for another beta and maybe even an early ultrasound to ease my mind. But she's not worried. 

Because, as a very good friend has told me, I'm good and knocked up. 

Here's my theory - and we'll see how it pans out. Even though I still feel like there's only one in there, and Heather (my acu) feels like there's only one in there, maybe there are 2 after all. I'm wondering if one embryo splitting could cause a rapid beta rise but a slight drop in progesterone. There would only one corpus luteum to produce progesterone, so that would explain that being a little lower, while the beta was slightly higher. 

Another beta and progesterone check on friday. I guess we'll see. 

Here We Go Again.....

Dr. Z is pretending today's blood work results don't exist. I know he didn't want to run them, but Fran is my hero as always and got me in. They checked my beta and my progesterone. My progesterone DID drop a little to 31.5,  but it's still above 30, so he's happy with that and not making any changes to my bloodwork.

My beta is 42 on 9dp3dt. According to BetaBase, that is just above the median, so I will take it. 

Dr Z is bringing me back for my "official" beta and progesterone check on wednesday and then again on friday, like today never happened.  All I know is, today, I am pregnant. Heather (my acupuncturist) says I'm VERY pregnant. I feel good. Early pregnancy spotting/bleeding is normal and much easier for me to deal with than having another failed IVF cycle. 

That's definitely two lines.

I'm pregnant. 

Blood, Sweat and Tears... a 2ww Update

This morning I am 9dp3dt (9 days post 3 day transfer). That makes me 12dpo (days post ovulation). So what would be a better way to celebrate this milestone, than to go to the bathroom at work yesterday and find light brown (really tan-ish) CM/spotting.

Okay - as if that isn't panic inducing enough.

When I got home from work, that brown CM was bright red blood.

Let's TRY to focus on the positive here for a few minutes. I have NO cramping. A few twinges here and there, which is totally normal for the 2ww. And I have NEVER bled after IVF before coming off of PIO. My first cycle I didn't get my period until 6 days after the PIO stopped (and no spotting prior at all) and my second, I never even so much as spotted before my bleed at 11w6d pregnant.

But I also had bright red bleeding, which I've never had before other than either my period or when i had the sub-chorionic hematoma when I was 12w pregnant with Smudge.  And bright red bleeding right now is NOT what I needed to see. I'm at the point where I just need to know either way. If this didn't work, I need to mourn and move on. Right now, I'm trying to not focus on the implications of what that would mean. If it DID work, and I am pregnant right now - i just want to be pregnant and love my baby and take it one day at a time. 

What is killing me is the not knowing. At 12dpo, I should be able to have an idea of what is going on in there.  Smudge's Aunt rushed home last night with a FRER for me, because honestly I just need to know right now either way. But I'm too chicken to use it. Dr. Z's office doesn't start answering the phone until 8:30am - and that's too long away. I'm going to call the answering service in about 1/2 hour and ask to be patched to the office. They've done it before, and hopefully they'll do it again. I'm going to ask Fran, no, I'm going to beg her for an early beta. This was SO different when it was just me. But I'm completely incapable of being a stable parent right now. Last night, I got out of the shower, started bleeding and walked into Smudge's room to get her ready for bed. I cried the entire time I was rocking Smudge to sleep. I can't parent her this way. I'm prepared for a 12dpo beta to be low - but at least I'll know if it's positive or negative and be ready to move forward. 

The good news this morning is that before I went to sleep, the bleeding was just brown spotting again and that there was no blood overnight. 

Now I just have to get to beta. 

Deja Vu?

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I'd like to bring your attention to the anonymous group blog I posted for while we were trying to conceive Smudge. 4dp3dt (4 days post 3 day transfer), I made this post (link in caption):

http://bloominbabies.blogspot.com/2010/03/ivf-2-2-week-wait-update.html

Well, yesterday was 4dp3dt for this IVF cycle. Once again, I went in for a blood draw at the crack of dawn. And once again, I waited all day for the phone to ring. 

I sat with my phone in my hand waiting for it to ring, only to look down and see a voicemail from Fran saying my P4 was greater than 40! Of course I called her right back to find out the exact number. She said their new machine only says >40. So, that blows that I can't see how awesome my number is, but I'm not going to look that gift horse in the mouth, no way. 

And I know, I know, stop comparing cycles... but at this point, really, CAN I?

All I know, is based on past performance, I have the potential to be EXTREMELY disappointed now. 

How the heck am I supposed to make it an ENTIRE week until Beta?

The Two Week Wait Sucks PLUS the State of our Remaining Embryos.

So, I've meandered around the interwebz and I've noticed that in more than a few blogs, tuesdays are referred to as "Top 10 Tuesdays". I'm not usually one to jump into the mainstream, but this time i figured, "why not?". So, today, i'm going to give you "The Top 10 Reasons the IVF 2ww SUCKS".

Disclaimer: these are my reasons the 2ww sucks.
You may have entirely different reasons or not agree with mine at all.
I give complete validity to ANY reasons why the IVF 2ww sucks.

10. Unlike way back when you were actually just trying to get pregnant "the old fashioned way", you KNOW there are embryos in there. Now you have to spend the next 2 weeks wondering if your body is good enough to keep them there.

9. Wondering if every little thing you're doing is going to impact implantation in some way. My favorite (and you know we have ALL thought this at some point) is wondering if straining at all when going to the bathroom will cause them to get pushed out. Don't lie. You've wondered that too. How many of you have actually ASKED the RE that though? I have. Yep. Last cycle. Totally asked. 

8. The phrase "PUPO". I'm completely guilty of using it. It's a mindfreak.When the call comes that beta was negative, it almost makes the depression even worse - because for two weeks you were PUPO. And now you're nothing.

7. The bloat. Yesterday, I was wearing my only pair of maternity pants that didn't get packed away. That's how bad it is. Smudge's Dad promises me I'm not this fat all of the time. He says I'm just really bloated. He might be lying to me... but I'm hoping not.

6. The FLUID. My RE wants me drinking a MINIMUM of a gallon of liquids a day (preferably mostly juices, electrolyte drinks, etc) to help move the aforementioned bloat. OMG. Between the PIO (progesterone in oil) and the fluid, I can't get out of the bathroom.

5. Okay - since I already brought it up, the PIO. Really. An intramuscular injection every day. Don't get me wrong, I'll take it over vaginal suppositories any day of the week, and should this cycle work, i'll bare my ass to Smudge's Dad happily every morning for 12 weeks so he can shoot me up. But we're three days in, and i'm already a member of the painful lumpy butt brigade. It makes me itchy. And honestly, scratching ones rear in public is strongly frowned upon.

4. Okay - more about the PIO. Every 2ww (even the regular plain "old fashioned way" kind) comes with phantom pregnancy symptoms. But seriously. The IVF 2ww comes with those symptoms on steroids. We don't just get the regular NORMAL hormones. We're taking mega doses of them.  Voluntarily. Via pill and injection. IVFers are crazy. I'm sure of it. 

3. The people you told. Ugh.  Each time we do this, we say we're going to tell fewer people and this time, we've really only told immediate family.  It was necessary since the transfer  was on fathers day weekend and we needed some assistance with childcare during retrieval. But really, the "keeping everything crossed" with huge smiles and "Call me if there's news" is really getting old. I get that they're excited too - but can't they just follow our lead. If we're not talking about it, can't you not talk about it too. Don't you know how scared I am? How this isn't just sunshine and daffodils? Don't you remember that it doesn't always work? And you're not going to want to talk about it then... so drop it now.

2. You're still spending the entire 2ww waiting for the phone to ring. If you have extra embryos and you're waiting to see if they freeze. When you have your progesterone checked. And then when they finally draw your beta HCG.

And the #1 reason why the IVF 2ww sucks is..........

1. The pictures. 

Unlike when you're trying the old fashioned way, I have a picture of my embryos. Granted, once you have that baby, the embryo shots are surreal. But during the 2ww, you spend the entire time looking at those embryos, wondering what they'll be like or look like. Wondering which one is your baby. And when it doesn't work, you have something tangible to look at and know you lost. 

FUIF.

Speaking of what we lost, I'm a little heartbroken and worried this morning. I just got off the phone with Fran. Our remaining four embryos are not able to be frozen. They didn't die. Their quality is just not what it would have to be to survive thaw. How many questions does this open for me? What about the ones we put back? Are they the same way? Will they not make it this far? Are they bad too? 

Fran assured me (while I'm a crying idiot on the phone) that it means absolutely nothing for this cycle. Scott (embryologist extraordinaire) said he picked the best three and he has a really good feeling about them. I know his freezing criteria are really strict. I shouldn't feel too upset. Fran said she would hate to get me all ready for a FET, just to call me and tell me that we didn't have anything to transfer. So, while she didn't tell me so, i know this means that our remaining four embryos are going to be discarded. That makes me REALLY sad. Smudge's Dad says it's too late and we can't go back and pop the last four in there too. He said he doesn't want a reality show that badly. But the thought of just throwing them away is making me really sad. 

And I'm not going to lie - I'm now really worried about the three embryos that we transferred. 

Progesterone check tomorrow.