The WORST 2ww

It's no joke that the 2ww between retrieval and beta sucks. I even have a whole posting dedicated to how much so, here. But if anyone tells you that it's the worst wait, they're either complete and total liars or they've just never done this before, because the WORST 2ww is between that official beta and the first u/s... when you find out if you actually have a viable pregnancy.

Assuming I DO have a viable pregnancy, this is what my baby is up to today: Check Out: The Visible Embryo. I love that website.

That first u/s is usually at the 6w mark. A few other things usually get ushered in around that mark, morning sickness among them. I'm hopeful that my little embryo is snuggling in nice and deep, because today I woke up sick as a dog. WIth Smudge, I spent a lot of time nauseous, but never threw up. Can't say the same now, that's for sure. My acupuncturist has asked me to not drink peppermint or ginger right now (of course). Something about they're very grounding and we want to be uplifting, or some other new-agey hoo-hah. I'm just going under the assumption that a can of organic ginger ale here and there isn't going to be the worst thing in the world, because it REALLY makes me feel better temporarily. 

I've been told to try Sea Bands for nausea. Thoughts? Leave them in the comments!! :)

This stuff is AWESOME.

The good news is that the spotting has finally stopped. I'm officially over 24 hours without spotting. Even so, if you know me, you know that there's no way i'm going to make it another 10 days to u/s without ANY monitoring at all. So, I just got off the phone with my covering nurse (of course Fran is on vacation this week), and they're fitting me in for a beta thursday morning. I'll feel much better if I can just see the numbers continuing to rise.

I'm 5w tomorrow. Stay tuned. 

Blood, Sweat and Tears... a 2ww Update

This morning I am 9dp3dt (9 days post 3 day transfer). That makes me 12dpo (days post ovulation). So what would be a better way to celebrate this milestone, than to go to the bathroom at work yesterday and find light brown (really tan-ish) CM/spotting.

Okay - as if that isn't panic inducing enough.

When I got home from work, that brown CM was bright red blood.

Let's TRY to focus on the positive here for a few minutes. I have NO cramping. A few twinges here and there, which is totally normal for the 2ww. And I have NEVER bled after IVF before coming off of PIO. My first cycle I didn't get my period until 6 days after the PIO stopped (and no spotting prior at all) and my second, I never even so much as spotted before my bleed at 11w6d pregnant.

But I also had bright red bleeding, which I've never had before other than either my period or when i had the sub-chorionic hematoma when I was 12w pregnant with Smudge.  And bright red bleeding right now is NOT what I needed to see. I'm at the point where I just need to know either way. If this didn't work, I need to mourn and move on. Right now, I'm trying to not focus on the implications of what that would mean. If it DID work, and I am pregnant right now - i just want to be pregnant and love my baby and take it one day at a time. 

What is killing me is the not knowing. At 12dpo, I should be able to have an idea of what is going on in there.  Smudge's Aunt rushed home last night with a FRER for me, because honestly I just need to know right now either way. But I'm too chicken to use it. Dr. Z's office doesn't start answering the phone until 8:30am - and that's too long away. I'm going to call the answering service in about 1/2 hour and ask to be patched to the office. They've done it before, and hopefully they'll do it again. I'm going to ask Fran, no, I'm going to beg her for an early beta. This was SO different when it was just me. But I'm completely incapable of being a stable parent right now. Last night, I got out of the shower, started bleeding and walked into Smudge's room to get her ready for bed. I cried the entire time I was rocking Smudge to sleep. I can't parent her this way. I'm prepared for a 12dpo beta to be low - but at least I'll know if it's positive or negative and be ready to move forward. 

The good news this morning is that before I went to sleep, the bleeding was just brown spotting again and that there was no blood overnight. 

Now I just have to get to beta. 

The Two Week Wait Sucks PLUS the State of our Remaining Embryos.

So, I've meandered around the interwebz and I've noticed that in more than a few blogs, tuesdays are referred to as "Top 10 Tuesdays". I'm not usually one to jump into the mainstream, but this time i figured, "why not?". So, today, i'm going to give you "The Top 10 Reasons the IVF 2ww SUCKS".

Disclaimer: these are my reasons the 2ww sucks.
You may have entirely different reasons or not agree with mine at all.
I give complete validity to ANY reasons why the IVF 2ww sucks.

10. Unlike way back when you were actually just trying to get pregnant "the old fashioned way", you KNOW there are embryos in there. Now you have to spend the next 2 weeks wondering if your body is good enough to keep them there.

9. Wondering if every little thing you're doing is going to impact implantation in some way. My favorite (and you know we have ALL thought this at some point) is wondering if straining at all when going to the bathroom will cause them to get pushed out. Don't lie. You've wondered that too. How many of you have actually ASKED the RE that though? I have. Yep. Last cycle. Totally asked. 

8. The phrase "PUPO". I'm completely guilty of using it. It's a mindfreak.When the call comes that beta was negative, it almost makes the depression even worse - because for two weeks you were PUPO. And now you're nothing.

7. The bloat. Yesterday, I was wearing my only pair of maternity pants that didn't get packed away. That's how bad it is. Smudge's Dad promises me I'm not this fat all of the time. He says I'm just really bloated. He might be lying to me... but I'm hoping not.

6. The FLUID. My RE wants me drinking a MINIMUM of a gallon of liquids a day (preferably mostly juices, electrolyte drinks, etc) to help move the aforementioned bloat. OMG. Between the PIO (progesterone in oil) and the fluid, I can't get out of the bathroom.

5. Okay - since I already brought it up, the PIO. Really. An intramuscular injection every day. Don't get me wrong, I'll take it over vaginal suppositories any day of the week, and should this cycle work, i'll bare my ass to Smudge's Dad happily every morning for 12 weeks so he can shoot me up. But we're three days in, and i'm already a member of the painful lumpy butt brigade. It makes me itchy. And honestly, scratching ones rear in public is strongly frowned upon.

4. Okay - more about the PIO. Every 2ww (even the regular plain "old fashioned way" kind) comes with phantom pregnancy symptoms. But seriously. The IVF 2ww comes with those symptoms on steroids. We don't just get the regular NORMAL hormones. We're taking mega doses of them.  Voluntarily. Via pill and injection. IVFers are crazy. I'm sure of it. 

3. The people you told. Ugh.  Each time we do this, we say we're going to tell fewer people and this time, we've really only told immediate family.  It was necessary since the transfer  was on fathers day weekend and we needed some assistance with childcare during retrieval. But really, the "keeping everything crossed" with huge smiles and "Call me if there's news" is really getting old. I get that they're excited too - but can't they just follow our lead. If we're not talking about it, can't you not talk about it too. Don't you know how scared I am? How this isn't just sunshine and daffodils? Don't you remember that it doesn't always work? And you're not going to want to talk about it then... so drop it now.

2. You're still spending the entire 2ww waiting for the phone to ring. If you have extra embryos and you're waiting to see if they freeze. When you have your progesterone checked. And then when they finally draw your beta HCG.

And the #1 reason why the IVF 2ww sucks is..........

1. The pictures. 

Unlike when you're trying the old fashioned way, I have a picture of my embryos. Granted, once you have that baby, the embryo shots are surreal. But during the 2ww, you spend the entire time looking at those embryos, wondering what they'll be like or look like. Wondering which one is your baby. And when it doesn't work, you have something tangible to look at and know you lost. 

FUIF.

Speaking of what we lost, I'm a little heartbroken and worried this morning. I just got off the phone with Fran. Our remaining four embryos are not able to be frozen. They didn't die. Their quality is just not what it would have to be to survive thaw. How many questions does this open for me? What about the ones we put back? Are they the same way? Will they not make it this far? Are they bad too? 

Fran assured me (while I'm a crying idiot on the phone) that it means absolutely nothing for this cycle. Scott (embryologist extraordinaire) said he picked the best three and he has a really good feeling about them. I know his freezing criteria are really strict. I shouldn't feel too upset. Fran said she would hate to get me all ready for a FET, just to call me and tell me that we didn't have anything to transfer. So, while she didn't tell me so, i know this means that our remaining four embryos are going to be discarded. That makes me REALLY sad. Smudge's Dad says it's too late and we can't go back and pop the last four in there too. He said he doesn't want a reality show that badly. But the thought of just throwing them away is making me really sad. 

And I'm not going to lie - I'm now really worried about the three embryos that we transferred. 

Progesterone check tomorrow.