Decisions, Decisions

When last I updated, I had my 18w midwife appointment the following day. Ugh - what a disaster that was.  It seems that rather than support me in my efforts to achieve a VBAC, they're determined to keep reminding me that I'm a failure. If I hear one more time, "Well, if you couldn't push out a 5 1/2 pound baby...", as if that's all that matters. Take a baby, make her posterior and malpositioned, and you tell me how easy it's going to be to push out a baby who is banging her head against your hip bone. Here's a hint: it wouldn't matter if that baby was 2 lbs or 10. If they're in the wrong position, THEY'RE NOT COMING OUT. 

And I can't forget how I'm completely out of shape and gaining way too much weight (14lbs in 18w). I know I only gained 20lbs with Anna. But she was only 5 1/2 lbs (as you keep reminding me). If she weren't borderline IUGR, i would have gained more. So, telling me to "lay off the chips" isn't just rude, it's downright judgmental. Especially considering I don't eat junk (save the occasional cupcake). And I was particularly happy to hear that the beans I've been eating (because they're a source of protein I can keep down) aren't "good enough" as a source of protein and are too high calorie. What? Whatever.

I left there feeling like a complete failure, that I couldn't do anything right and that once again, I was going to fail.

The funny thing is, I should be a GREAT candidate for a VBAC. I went into labor spontaneously, I got to 10cm, I certainly was able to push and I wasn't a c/s for "failure to progress". I even found a study that indicates I have an 88% chance of success based on their scoring - the only thing keeping me out of a higher bracket being that I haven't had a previous vaginal delivery. 

I went to my monthly ICAN meeting this past Wednesday. I've always heard such awesome things about this midwife group there, so I really couldn't wait to get some input from my group leader. There were a bunch of girls there that I hadn't met before and two of them are using the same midwives (one for #2 and one for #3, both due in January, a little over a month ahead of me). Anyway - as we all started talking, it became clear that these other two girls are having the same exact experience that I am, down to the disparaging weight comments. Our leader was shocked. No one has really said anything negative about the midwives before. 

The one potentially good thing is that one of the girls has a friend who had a miserable prenatal experience with them but a fabulous delivery. Said they were amazing in labor. She also was a primeip though, not a VBAC. 

One of the two girls is having her second VBAC. Her first was with an OB who also delivers at the hospital where I want to go. I asked her why she didn't go back to him with this pregnancy, because she seems to have a great experience with him, and she said it was because she wanted to have an experience with a MW. There was no other reason, but she was seriously considering going back.

Anyway - he takes my insurance and when I checked his website, this is the first thing I saw:

I  made an appointment for a consultation with him. He's out all next week, but I'm going in the following week. I'll be 21w. At 22w, I have my next appointment with the MWs. I'm going to take my visit with Dr B (the OB) plus my 22w visit with the MWs, where I plan to voice my concerns, and then make a decision on what I'm going to do. 

Here's where I'm struggling. I KNOW that the MWs will give me the labor I want and every opportunity to deliver vaginally, IF they let me get that far and don't push me to a CBAC. That's my concern. My concern about the OB is that apparently only 2 or 3 of the doctors in that practice deliver and they are backed up by a secondary practice that I know nothing about. I am concerned that the back up practice WOULDN'T be supportive of a VBAC. 

I have so many questions for both groups. 

Anyway - that's where I stand right now. I have my anatomy scan on Tuesday and then my appointment with Dr B next Thursday and my fetal echo the day after. 

I'll update more when there's news. In the meantime, I'm just doing what I can to figure this all out.