First Tri MindFreak

So, how do you usually feel when you're getting your period? 
Crampy, right? Bloated? Maybe a little gassy and nauseous?

Hey, guess what? Those are also all normal first trimester symptoms. And it sucks. It also sucks that as your estrogen rises, your cervical fluid increases. And that feels like bleeding, which leads to umpteen trips to the bathroom every day to make sure you're not. 

First tri is a cruel cruel joke. I sometimes wish I was as naive as some of those moms posting barely dry pee sticks on facebook at 3w6d pregnant, without a clue their world could end in a minute. 
Meanwhile, assuming everything is okay, visembryo.com says that we're in the baby manatee stage of embryo-hood.

7w ultrasound tomorrow. Please cross everything for us that Squishy still has a heartbeat. 

The Two Week Wait Sucks PLUS the State of our Remaining Embryos.

So, I've meandered around the interwebz and I've noticed that in more than a few blogs, tuesdays are referred to as "Top 10 Tuesdays". I'm not usually one to jump into the mainstream, but this time i figured, "why not?". So, today, i'm going to give you "The Top 10 Reasons the IVF 2ww SUCKS".

Disclaimer: these are my reasons the 2ww sucks.
You may have entirely different reasons or not agree with mine at all.
I give complete validity to ANY reasons why the IVF 2ww sucks.

10. Unlike way back when you were actually just trying to get pregnant "the old fashioned way", you KNOW there are embryos in there. Now you have to spend the next 2 weeks wondering if your body is good enough to keep them there.

9. Wondering if every little thing you're doing is going to impact implantation in some way. My favorite (and you know we have ALL thought this at some point) is wondering if straining at all when going to the bathroom will cause them to get pushed out. Don't lie. You've wondered that too. How many of you have actually ASKED the RE that though? I have. Yep. Last cycle. Totally asked. 

8. The phrase "PUPO". I'm completely guilty of using it. It's a mindfreak.When the call comes that beta was negative, it almost makes the depression even worse - because for two weeks you were PUPO. And now you're nothing.

7. The bloat. Yesterday, I was wearing my only pair of maternity pants that didn't get packed away. That's how bad it is. Smudge's Dad promises me I'm not this fat all of the time. He says I'm just really bloated. He might be lying to me... but I'm hoping not.

6. The FLUID. My RE wants me drinking a MINIMUM of a gallon of liquids a day (preferably mostly juices, electrolyte drinks, etc) to help move the aforementioned bloat. OMG. Between the PIO (progesterone in oil) and the fluid, I can't get out of the bathroom.

5. Okay - since I already brought it up, the PIO. Really. An intramuscular injection every day. Don't get me wrong, I'll take it over vaginal suppositories any day of the week, and should this cycle work, i'll bare my ass to Smudge's Dad happily every morning for 12 weeks so he can shoot me up. But we're three days in, and i'm already a member of the painful lumpy butt brigade. It makes me itchy. And honestly, scratching ones rear in public is strongly frowned upon.

4. Okay - more about the PIO. Every 2ww (even the regular plain "old fashioned way" kind) comes with phantom pregnancy symptoms. But seriously. The IVF 2ww comes with those symptoms on steroids. We don't just get the regular NORMAL hormones. We're taking mega doses of them.  Voluntarily. Via pill and injection. IVFers are crazy. I'm sure of it. 

3. The people you told. Ugh.  Each time we do this, we say we're going to tell fewer people and this time, we've really only told immediate family.  It was necessary since the transfer  was on fathers day weekend and we needed some assistance with childcare during retrieval. But really, the "keeping everything crossed" with huge smiles and "Call me if there's news" is really getting old. I get that they're excited too - but can't they just follow our lead. If we're not talking about it, can't you not talk about it too. Don't you know how scared I am? How this isn't just sunshine and daffodils? Don't you remember that it doesn't always work? And you're not going to want to talk about it then... so drop it now.

2. You're still spending the entire 2ww waiting for the phone to ring. If you have extra embryos and you're waiting to see if they freeze. When you have your progesterone checked. And then when they finally draw your beta HCG.

And the #1 reason why the IVF 2ww sucks is..........

1. The pictures. 

Unlike when you're trying the old fashioned way, I have a picture of my embryos. Granted, once you have that baby, the embryo shots are surreal. But during the 2ww, you spend the entire time looking at those embryos, wondering what they'll be like or look like. Wondering which one is your baby. And when it doesn't work, you have something tangible to look at and know you lost. 

FUIF.

Speaking of what we lost, I'm a little heartbroken and worried this morning. I just got off the phone with Fran. Our remaining four embryos are not able to be frozen. They didn't die. Their quality is just not what it would have to be to survive thaw. How many questions does this open for me? What about the ones we put back? Are they the same way? Will they not make it this far? Are they bad too? 

Fran assured me (while I'm a crying idiot on the phone) that it means absolutely nothing for this cycle. Scott (embryologist extraordinaire) said he picked the best three and he has a really good feeling about them. I know his freezing criteria are really strict. I shouldn't feel too upset. Fran said she would hate to get me all ready for a FET, just to call me and tell me that we didn't have anything to transfer. So, while she didn't tell me so, i know this means that our remaining four embryos are going to be discarded. That makes me REALLY sad. Smudge's Dad says it's too late and we can't go back and pop the last four in there too. He said he doesn't want a reality show that badly. But the thought of just throwing them away is making me really sad. 

And I'm not going to lie - I'm now really worried about the three embryos that we transferred. 

Progesterone check tomorrow.

What a Difference a Day Makes

Or, what a difference a doctor makes. Either way, today is a complete reversal of how I felt over the weekend. Today, I actually feel this foreign feeling. It could actually be:

Smudge's Dad says that Dr. O's technique must just be "different". Screw that PC crap. I say she's an idiot. But I feel like I have the right to say that after the IF hell she put me through the last two days.

When I got to Dr. Z's office this morning (first, as usual), my only hope was that Fran was back in the office and I was going to get to see her for monitoring. I got even better. I got Dr. Z. He only had one retrieval this morning, and he made time to see me (I haven't seen him since the middle of last week) before he got that started. The first thing he said was, "Your lining looks great." Great? Yesterday it was 12, which I know isn't anything to sneeze at, but my hallmark is nice thick linings, so 12 didn't make me happy. Today's 16.2mm makes me smile though. 

16mm of beautiful trilaminar lining! MY lining.

He got really quiet then, and was just clicking and measuring. Nothing can make an infertile more nervous that her normally talkative and smiling RE quiet. So, he started talking... mundane stuff. How was your weekend? Telling me about some boring business conference he had to go to. Asking me if I had met Dr O this weekend? That was my in. I mentioned that I had, and that she measures a bit differently that he does. And obviously, that he remains my favorite. 

By then he was done. I sat back and asked him how they looked. He said, "They look great. You're probably going to trigger tonight".

What?!

I told him that yesterday I had only had 2 follicles above 15 and the majority were 12 -13mm. He just shook his head, chuckled and showed me the numbers for myself.

I have 5 that are DEFINITELY mature (above 17mm), 3 that are PROBABLY mature (above 16mm) and 6 that MIGHT mature by retrieval (above 13mm), since they continue to mature after trigger. That might mature category includes one 15.4mm and three 14.5mm or larger. There's no way anyone can convince me that all of these sprung up from 12-13mm follicles overnight. So, thank you Dr. O for needless worry. I'm thrilled I'm not your actual patient, and I'm kind of concerned for the ones who are.

And now that is gone, out of my head, and my focus is on waiting for the phone call with my instructions for tonight and tomorrow.

If I trigger tonight, I'll be on the same timeline as my Smudge cycle, with a wednesday retrieval. Interesting note, my lining was 16mm the night I triggered for her as well.

I feel really positive (and bloated) right now. I know things are working in there. There's no question. I have NEVER felt this bloated or full during an IVF cycle, and that is just a testament to my ovaries in overdrive.

I asked Dr. Z about my estrogen per follicle theory and asked him what he thought. He said that he felt that it showed that the egg quality was going to be superior. I'll take it.

So, for now, I'm sitting here, once again staring at the phone. I'm excited. I'm hopeful. I'm a little uncomfortable.

It looks like tonight is the night. EEEEEEEEEEEK! Here we go again!