Decisions, Decisions

When last I updated, I had my 18w midwife appointment the following day. Ugh - what a disaster that was.  It seems that rather than support me in my efforts to achieve a VBAC, they're determined to keep reminding me that I'm a failure. If I hear one more time, "Well, if you couldn't push out a 5 1/2 pound baby...", as if that's all that matters. Take a baby, make her posterior and malpositioned, and you tell me how easy it's going to be to push out a baby who is banging her head against your hip bone. Here's a hint: it wouldn't matter if that baby was 2 lbs or 10. If they're in the wrong position, THEY'RE NOT COMING OUT. 

And I can't forget how I'm completely out of shape and gaining way too much weight (14lbs in 18w). I know I only gained 20lbs with Anna. But she was only 5 1/2 lbs (as you keep reminding me). If she weren't borderline IUGR, i would have gained more. So, telling me to "lay off the chips" isn't just rude, it's downright judgmental. Especially considering I don't eat junk (save the occasional cupcake). And I was particularly happy to hear that the beans I've been eating (because they're a source of protein I can keep down) aren't "good enough" as a source of protein and are too high calorie. What? Whatever.

I left there feeling like a complete failure, that I couldn't do anything right and that once again, I was going to fail.

The funny thing is, I should be a GREAT candidate for a VBAC. I went into labor spontaneously, I got to 10cm, I certainly was able to push and I wasn't a c/s for "failure to progress". I even found a study that indicates I have an 88% chance of success based on their scoring - the only thing keeping me out of a higher bracket being that I haven't had a previous vaginal delivery. 

I went to my monthly ICAN meeting this past Wednesday. I've always heard such awesome things about this midwife group there, so I really couldn't wait to get some input from my group leader. There were a bunch of girls there that I hadn't met before and two of them are using the same midwives (one for #2 and one for #3, both due in January, a little over a month ahead of me). Anyway - as we all started talking, it became clear that these other two girls are having the same exact experience that I am, down to the disparaging weight comments. Our leader was shocked. No one has really said anything negative about the midwives before. 

The one potentially good thing is that one of the girls has a friend who had a miserable prenatal experience with them but a fabulous delivery. Said they were amazing in labor. She also was a primeip though, not a VBAC. 

One of the two girls is having her second VBAC. Her first was with an OB who also delivers at the hospital where I want to go. I asked her why she didn't go back to him with this pregnancy, because she seems to have a great experience with him, and she said it was because she wanted to have an experience with a MW. There was no other reason, but she was seriously considering going back.

Anyway - he takes my insurance and when I checked his website, this is the first thing I saw:

I  made an appointment for a consultation with him. He's out all next week, but I'm going in the following week. I'll be 21w. At 22w, I have my next appointment with the MWs. I'm going to take my visit with Dr B (the OB) plus my 22w visit with the MWs, where I plan to voice my concerns, and then make a decision on what I'm going to do. 

Here's where I'm struggling. I KNOW that the MWs will give me the labor I want and every opportunity to deliver vaginally, IF they let me get that far and don't push me to a CBAC. That's my concern. My concern about the OB is that apparently only 2 or 3 of the doctors in that practice deliver and they are backed up by a secondary practice that I know nothing about. I am concerned that the back up practice WOULDN'T be supportive of a VBAC. 

I have so many questions for both groups. 

Anyway - that's where I stand right now. I have my anatomy scan on Tuesday and then my appointment with Dr B next Thursday and my fetal echo the day after. 

I'll update more when there's news. In the meantime, I'm just doing what I can to figure this all out. 

I'm not feeling clever today... but I AM still pregnant!

I'm too tired to be clever today (or at least to pretend i'm clever), but I still wanted to update on my first appointment with my midwives. It went really well. I'm 10w2d today and I was nervous. I know way too many girls who have had late 1st tri losses lately and I was sure something would have happened between my 8w at Dr Z and today. But my midwife (today I saw Louise) didn't make me wait at all. I didn't get a picture, but i can't believe how big Squishy has gotten in the last 2+ weeks and I saw the heartbeat immediately. So, that's the baby update and it's a good one. 

Then we talked a lot about my labor with Smudge. She said there were positive indications for a VBAC. 1) I was full term and I went into labor sort of spontaneously (I told her about the acu-induction and everything else I did) and 2) I did get to 10cm and pushed for a long time. She said those are both very good signs that I should be able to have a good trial of labor. That made me feel a lot better, because one of the other midwives wasn't as positive at my annual, when we talked about my contractions spacing apart. But that didn't even phase Louise when I told her. I also had a VERY uncomfortable pelvic exam, where she was feeling out the shape of my pelvis.  She said that the top of my pelvis is more pointed than rounded (which would be normal), but there's plenty of posterior room and there's no physical reason she could see for why Smudge couldn't descend other than her posterior position. So, that's another check in the right column. 

She talked about nutrition, and like so many ladies have told me, told me really not to sweat the numbers right now; to try to increase my protein to stay fuller longer. She has the same goals I do: to keep my gain under 25lbs total. So, hopefully we can stay under that number. 
We also talked about the possibility of having to have another c/s, which I definitely would like to avoid. But in the case we feel like that is where I'm headed, or even if we don't think that, but I decide to for my own comfort, I can make a prenatal appointment with their cooperating doctor (Dr M) so I can meet him and discuss some of my concerns about my last c/s. Louise also told me that it's policy at my new hospital that when the baby and mother are stable, the baby is admitted in the OR and stays with mom in recovery. Since one of my biggest issues is that Smudge was kept from me for HOURS after my last c/s, that really reassured me. 

I scheduled my NT scan, anatomy scan and fetal echo (which apparently is now standard with our perinatologist, but we have no problem with that since Smudge had a cardiac defect when she was born). 10 days until we get to see Squishy again! <3

I'll leave you with pictures of our newest acquisition: A City Select Stroller with a second seat. OMG. I don't know how I haven't had this stroller the whole time, but we found an amazing deal on craigslist.

Smudge really LOVES it too. We can't get her out of it. She actually climbed into it herself this morning. So, we're going to be using it as a single stroller until Squishy gets here, which is one of the great things about it. 

Hopefully, next time I'll have some pictures for you of Squishy, and not just toys.