Deja Vu?

If you'll indulge me for a few minutes, I'd like to bring your attention to the anonymous group blog I posted for while we were trying to conceive Smudge. 4dp3dt (4 days post 3 day transfer), I made this post (link in caption):

http://bloominbabies.blogspot.com/2010/03/ivf-2-2-week-wait-update.html

Well, yesterday was 4dp3dt for this IVF cycle. Once again, I went in for a blood draw at the crack of dawn. And once again, I waited all day for the phone to ring. 

I sat with my phone in my hand waiting for it to ring, only to look down and see a voicemail from Fran saying my P4 was greater than 40! Of course I called her right back to find out the exact number. She said their new machine only says >40. So, that blows that I can't see how awesome my number is, but I'm not going to look that gift horse in the mouth, no way. 

And I know, I know, stop comparing cycles... but at this point, really, CAN I?

All I know, is based on past performance, I have the potential to be EXTREMELY disappointed now. 

How the heck am I supposed to make it an ENTIRE week until Beta?

The Two Week Wait Sucks PLUS the State of our Remaining Embryos.

So, I've meandered around the interwebz and I've noticed that in more than a few blogs, tuesdays are referred to as "Top 10 Tuesdays". I'm not usually one to jump into the mainstream, but this time i figured, "why not?". So, today, i'm going to give you "The Top 10 Reasons the IVF 2ww SUCKS".

Disclaimer: these are my reasons the 2ww sucks.
You may have entirely different reasons or not agree with mine at all.
I give complete validity to ANY reasons why the IVF 2ww sucks.

10. Unlike way back when you were actually just trying to get pregnant "the old fashioned way", you KNOW there are embryos in there. Now you have to spend the next 2 weeks wondering if your body is good enough to keep them there.

9. Wondering if every little thing you're doing is going to impact implantation in some way. My favorite (and you know we have ALL thought this at some point) is wondering if straining at all when going to the bathroom will cause them to get pushed out. Don't lie. You've wondered that too. How many of you have actually ASKED the RE that though? I have. Yep. Last cycle. Totally asked. 

8. The phrase "PUPO". I'm completely guilty of using it. It's a mindfreak.When the call comes that beta was negative, it almost makes the depression even worse - because for two weeks you were PUPO. And now you're nothing.

7. The bloat. Yesterday, I was wearing my only pair of maternity pants that didn't get packed away. That's how bad it is. Smudge's Dad promises me I'm not this fat all of the time. He says I'm just really bloated. He might be lying to me... but I'm hoping not.

6. The FLUID. My RE wants me drinking a MINIMUM of a gallon of liquids a day (preferably mostly juices, electrolyte drinks, etc) to help move the aforementioned bloat. OMG. Between the PIO (progesterone in oil) and the fluid, I can't get out of the bathroom.

5. Okay - since I already brought it up, the PIO. Really. An intramuscular injection every day. Don't get me wrong, I'll take it over vaginal suppositories any day of the week, and should this cycle work, i'll bare my ass to Smudge's Dad happily every morning for 12 weeks so he can shoot me up. But we're three days in, and i'm already a member of the painful lumpy butt brigade. It makes me itchy. And honestly, scratching ones rear in public is strongly frowned upon.

4. Okay - more about the PIO. Every 2ww (even the regular plain "old fashioned way" kind) comes with phantom pregnancy symptoms. But seriously. The IVF 2ww comes with those symptoms on steroids. We don't just get the regular NORMAL hormones. We're taking mega doses of them.  Voluntarily. Via pill and injection. IVFers are crazy. I'm sure of it. 

3. The people you told. Ugh.  Each time we do this, we say we're going to tell fewer people and this time, we've really only told immediate family.  It was necessary since the transfer  was on fathers day weekend and we needed some assistance with childcare during retrieval. But really, the "keeping everything crossed" with huge smiles and "Call me if there's news" is really getting old. I get that they're excited too - but can't they just follow our lead. If we're not talking about it, can't you not talk about it too. Don't you know how scared I am? How this isn't just sunshine and daffodils? Don't you remember that it doesn't always work? And you're not going to want to talk about it then... so drop it now.

2. You're still spending the entire 2ww waiting for the phone to ring. If you have extra embryos and you're waiting to see if they freeze. When you have your progesterone checked. And then when they finally draw your beta HCG.

And the #1 reason why the IVF 2ww sucks is..........

1. The pictures. 

Unlike when you're trying the old fashioned way, I have a picture of my embryos. Granted, once you have that baby, the embryo shots are surreal. But during the 2ww, you spend the entire time looking at those embryos, wondering what they'll be like or look like. Wondering which one is your baby. And when it doesn't work, you have something tangible to look at and know you lost. 

FUIF.

Speaking of what we lost, I'm a little heartbroken and worried this morning. I just got off the phone with Fran. Our remaining four embryos are not able to be frozen. They didn't die. Their quality is just not what it would have to be to survive thaw. How many questions does this open for me? What about the ones we put back? Are they the same way? Will they not make it this far? Are they bad too? 

Fran assured me (while I'm a crying idiot on the phone) that it means absolutely nothing for this cycle. Scott (embryologist extraordinaire) said he picked the best three and he has a really good feeling about them. I know his freezing criteria are really strict. I shouldn't feel too upset. Fran said she would hate to get me all ready for a FET, just to call me and tell me that we didn't have anything to transfer. So, while she didn't tell me so, i know this means that our remaining four embryos are going to be discarded. That makes me REALLY sad. Smudge's Dad says it's too late and we can't go back and pop the last four in there too. He said he doesn't want a reality show that badly. But the thought of just throwing them away is making me really sad. 

And I'm not going to lie - I'm now really worried about the three embryos that we transferred. 

Progesterone check tomorrow.

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!!

We spent the morning staring at my cell phone waiting for the call that we were being pushed back to monday. We hit the road and still kept staring at my phone. Even when I was drinking my pomegranate spritzer to fill my bladder, I was still waiting. 

Well - we didn't get pushed to a 5dt. 

I had a few moments of worry. What if we only had 1 or 2 left? What if we lost so many?

I didn't really have very long to worry about it, because before long, Jennifer was calling me in to go back. Penguin socks on, bare butt flapping in the breeze - hospital gowns are such joy. I can say one thing about ultrasound guided transfers... they SUCK. I miss my carefree non-u/s guided transfers where I didn't have to worry about peeing on the doctor  and the speculum putting too much pressure in places. 

But a few minutes later, I was seeing my embryos in a petri dish on the monitor getting sucked into the catheter that would deliver them to my uterus and a few minutes after that I saw them delivered 1 1/2 centimeters below the uterine fundus where hopefully they will eventually find a good spot and snuggle in. 

Folks, I'm PUPO!

And now, the nitty gritty! We had 10 eggs retrieved. 8 of them were mature and subjected to ICSI. Of those 8, 7 fertilized. Guess what? WE STILL HAVE SEVEN EMBRYOS!!!

We transferred three 8-cell embryos, 2 grade 2 and 1 grade 3. By comparison, during my Smudge cycle, we transferred 2 grade 2 and 1 grade 4. Dr. Z was sure to remind us that he never grades anything a 1. And seriously, one of the grade 2's looks pretty darned perfect. 

And the other 4? Well apparently, they're still thriving and we'll know monday if we are able to freeze any of them.

Please keep everything crossed for us. Say a prayer, throw some salt, light a candle, or whatever it is you do. Progesterone check on wednesday, Beta next wednesday (6/27).

I'm Nervous

Maybe it's the fear of the unknown. Maybe it's the fear of the known. Maybe it's just knowing i'm not going to be able to pee for over an hour. Whatever the reason is, I'm nervous about tomorrow.

My embryo transfer is scheduled for 8:45am tomorrow. Scott the embryologist lets them do their thing as much as possible, so he doesn't check the embryos today. But he will first thing in the morning. If there are any distinct front runners, the transfer will continue as planned. If not, we'll be pushed to a 5 day transfer on Monday morning.

I'm trying to prepare myself to NOT have seven embryos tomorrow. There's every likelihood that some will have stopped progressing and have died before I get there. Right now, I'm off of the high I was riding yesterday when I first got the call. 

Now I'm just hoping I have any embryos when Scott checks them tomorrow. 

Retrieval and Fertilization All-in-One

In January when we started thinking about this cycle, June seemed so FAR away.  But, here I am this morning, so bloated that my clothes don't fit and I'm wearing maternity underwear. My egg retrieval was yesterday. As usual, Dr. Z had to practically climb inside to get to my right ovary. I'll never understand why it likes to hide like it does.  But he did what he had to do, and he got them out. 

He got 10 eggs.

I was initially disappointed. My estrogen was SO high for me and everything has been looking so good. I was really hoping for more than that. But then I snapped out of it and realized that more eggs wouldn't matter. My hope was that the eggs we had would be MUCH better quality than the ones we've had in the past.

And I got my answer.

This morning Fran called. Early, thankfully, and with amazing news.

Of the 10 eggs, 8 were mature and fertilized with ICSI (Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection). And as of this morning, we have SEVEN embryos growing well.

A 70% fertilization rate. OMG. 

So, what does this mean? Well this morning, we have seven day 1 embryos. We hope by day 3 they are 8 cells with minimal fragmentation and then MAYBE, just MAYBE, if quite a few of them keep on truckin'... we would be pushed to a day 5 transfer to see which ones make it to blast and then transfer two of those. 

You can see the difference between a day 3 and a day 5 embryo.
On day 5 it is called a blastocyst and it's getting ready to hatch.

Fran will call me back tomorrow and let me know what time to be there on saturday for my day 3 transfer. She'll also give me a brief update on how Scott (the awesome embryologist) says our embryos are doing.

Then, on Saturday morning, unless we get a phone call, we'll go in for our 3 day transfer, like both of our cycles before this.

Smudge and her Twin. We think Smudge is the embryo on the left.
In this picture (on day 3), that embryo was ahead in growth and was a compacted Morula,
on it's way to becoming a blastocyst.

stages of embryo growth

However, if on Saturday we get a call in the morning, we will know that we're pushed back for a 5 day transfer and will go in on Monday morning.

OMG. I'm still in shock. Go go gadget ovaries. You did awesome.

Stay tuned.

A Welcome Day Off

Guess who doesn't get ANY needles today? That's right. THIS girl!

So, this is a boring update. No ultrasound this morning. I triggered last night. Smudge has been having some trouble getting down to sleep thanks to some molars, so her Dad was busy. Smudge's Aunt had to do the trigger honors, and despite both of us being terrified she might f it up somehow, she did a great job!

This morning I went to Dr. Z's office. On the way, I noticed the street sign on the highway for the exit I take. I always see it, but I just never paid attention before. Do you know what I mean. Anyway - this is what I saw:

All roads lead to hope.

Anyway, this trip was just for a blood draw. No follicle check this morning. There's no reason to. They triggered me, so 36 hours from trigger, they go in and take all of the eggs out. The follicles should keep growing (and therefore eggs maturing) post trigger, so it's always a little bit of a surprise to find out how many they'll get. 

I can't wait to find out what my E2 was today. They'll tell me tomorrow before retrieval. There's a chart somewhere online (i'll have to google) that gives you an estimate of how much estrogen each follicle puts out and at what stage. It can help you figure out exactly how many good eggs you have going on in there. All I know is my numbers are better than they have ever been. 

Nothing but good things can happen tomorrow.

T-22.5 hours until show time. 

It's 9pm. Do You Know Where Your Follicles Are?